Mario versus FanFiction (lotsa images warning)

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-3 - Feels good to be out of Yold Town

Ew, what? No! Look I'm sorry I walked in on you and your business here, but that's just wrong, man.

Oh wait, it's just you.

This guy here is O'Chunks. His favorite food is chunky salsa, and he loves whiskey on the rocks, but only because of the ice cubes in it. Also, you can't tell from these pictures, but he has a pretty catchy theme song.

"You have his distinctive scent of facial moisturizer and burnt waffles on you."

"Chunkin' punks is me game!"

"An' together we count many things. Lookit me thumb an' index finger, tah-gether they make two! I'm his math tutor on the side, yer see!"

Ham sounds good about now. This desert has a way of making one pretty hungry.

Well aren't you a goddamn tease.

It's ok, pal. You can take your time. The plot isn't going anywhere.

Oh my god, stop mentioning food, I'm gonna call foul!

Well, he's trying to be a credible threat, and failing horribly, but she probably means his plan or something. Just to clarify before you answer.

Yeah, this is actually a pretty apt way of describing Bleck's plan.

Yes, giant turtle monsters marrying princesses is what I would describe as "order".

"Right yeh are, lad! He writes stories of dem bein' all cuddly an' den plays house with his lil' dolls in his closet an' all. So cute, innit?"

"'Specially now dat yer know aboot his doll 'abits!"

I don't know, I think Merlon is pretty terrifying.

"Well, I meant actual enemies, not... whatever your issue is with people."

Oh.

Yes, I need to know more about this guy. Like, what products is he using for his beard.

Actually, ask him that first.

And thus the beating of the ages begins.

Apologies for my terrible scottish accent impression.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-3 - Brawl of the Beards

Right. Time to dunk this chunk... uh... dump this chump!

"Mario, I've never told you this, but I am seriously into huge muscles, and this guy is totally ripped!"

"Really, they should have called him O'Hunks!"

"But not too much distance, I don't want to miss the show when he's flexing these guns."

"Make sure to give him a run for his money, Mario. I want to see the sweat glistening on his brow."

Right, so I'm gonna throw my snatchy hand at him and...

Throwey no! Don't grab him there, that's unsportsmanlike!

I just realized that his arms kind of make him look like a weird candelabra when he's upside down.

Ooops, I was a bit too rough. I separated his teeth from his mouth.

Oh well.

MARYOKEN!!!

Ow! He got me with his ramming attack while I was trying to take screenshots. Rude, man.

"I don't know, Mario. Wouldn't you want to deck someone in the face if they were obnoxiously taking selfies when it's not appropriate?"

Don't be a smartass, Tippi.

"By the way, I think I'm over my infatuation now."

Not now, Tippi.

"I mean, I realized his arms are kind of segmented and weird, so they only have like, half the mass that regular buff arms would have."

That's great, Tippi.

"Plus, I don't know if I am really ready for a relationship. Like, I don't know why, but for some reason the thought makes me shudder."

We can discuss this later, Tippi!

Yeah boy, I chunked you up good.

Don't feel too bad. Mario destroys punks like you all the time, and you didn't even explode into coins or an item, so count yourself lucky.

"Did yeh say 'count' jus' now, lad?"

...On second thought, maybe I should make you explode after all.

Aww, Tippi. That's so sweet.

I mean, I know you're just trying to gloss over the fact that you were totally swooning over this guy a moment ago, but I still appreciate it.

Also, I know it's tradition for people to mishear my name by now, but come on. That's really silly.

It's ok, Tippi. I know from experience that correcting them only makes them mispronounce it even more.

I mean, look at Throwey. I don't even remember his real name, but he hasn't said a word about it.

"Uh... can he even still talk? Is he... still alive?"

Huh... I wonder?

Nah, I already forgot. I get hit on the head too often.

...why are we in a desert again?

Don't hate on the diapers, man. There's not many opportunities for bathroom breaks in a 30 hour game.

Sure thing. Now go get the hell outta here before I "tie" you up and hang you from that tree behind me.

I'd... rather not. Thanks.

Nah man. Why don't you GROW a 'stache? Complete the look, y'know?

Uhm... what are you--

Well, I am not a doctor...

...except for when I am, but...

...that can't be healthy.

Oh come on, Tippi. His accent wasn't THAT bad.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-3 - Out of body experience

Ok, I found another one of these things.

So, I know this is apparently a universe in which you can hide something by putting it on the side of an object, because people are incapable of grasping the idea of 3D space existing. But the dimensional flip really is not a technique exclusive to the hero. As we have previously seen, common Goombas can learn the ability. A moronic guard can perform the ability without knowing it. Random people can apparently decorate walls of their houses that should be inaccessible to them.

This really is not an effective safeguard.

Whatever then. I like how this signpost looks when flipped. It's a nice touch because it looks like something relevant to later.

Also, I found this. Apparently I am a necromancer now? Let's hope my zombie minion will be smarter than that Zombie Shroom that chased me at the beginning of the level.

Then there are other versions of the weird butt monster.

This one farts ice apparently? That sounds terribly inconvenient. Like, imagine freezing your pants every time you let one rip.

But then I decided I ain't having any of that shit and dodged its blasts, Matrix-style.

Unfortunately, another Freezybutt snuck up on me and got me while I was dicking around in 3D space.

I believe a spanking is in order.

This area has a bunch of stone pillars in it.

Places with pillars like these are usually important.

Oh, I believe this is the blue platform I am supposed to percheth on.

So I stood on this damn thing and pressed buttons every which way, in 2D, in 3D, looking left, looking right, jumping on and off, to no avail. Eventually I passed out from exhaustion.

I had a strange dream in which someone else was controlling me. I was separated from my body and pulled miles, miles away, past the desert, past Flipside, past everything I have ever known. In the distance, I saw myself standing on a blue platform, pressing buttons. It was as if I was gazing into eternity.

The experience was so otherworldy, for a moment I glimpsed enlightenment, and it made me gain a new level.

When I woke up, I was back in my body again, and the end of the level was in front of me.

I hope the rest of my adventure will be less problematic. This game is already weird enough without out-of-body experiences.

See you in 1-4.

 

[RandomYoshi]

the worst thing is that you can't solve the equations in the background of chapters 1-1 and 1-2

it's awful