Your current mood.

In a good mood at the moment!
 
Thoughts of self-harm came roaring back today, because I firmly believe that I'm just a fucking lazy and pathetic person who is nothing but a money-sucking leech and is nearly 21 years old and still living at home without a job and that what my dad said to me is what I think is completely correct about myself, so I fucking hate myself more.

I've used a bread knife to try cut my arm, but scissors do a better job at making me bleed.

This is the absolute worst I am feeling in a while.
 
I feel a bit better than I was hours ago but man I really don't want it to get any worse than this. I'm normally not like this. I like thinking that things will turn out for the better in the end. I tend to like myself a lot.

But today it just shows how fragile I really am. I get thoughts of self-harm a lot. I even think about account suicide or renaming my account here to something degrading, like "I don't care". I seriously thought that today. Also, I was trying to stab my Baby Luigi plush with sewing needles and about to pour ketchup all over him but my mom stopped me (and the ketchup bottle was empty anyway)

Thankfully I have my mom for support. And my birds are always a treat to be around with.

My twin feels like me too, and she did the same thing as me.
 
It was my idea to use the scissors after testing the bread knife and looking at the Tylenol, but I used the scissors. I need to be hurt around here. I don't deserve a roof or a bed. I don't do anything useful. All I do is play games and sit around and waste resources. I need wounds in my hand just so dad gets what he wants from me, justice. Why did my parents even give birth to me? My parents could've just left me out to die, especially since I'm diagnosed with ADHD; dad thinks I'm a freak with a mental disorder. Why not end it now? It would save them a hell lot of money. My dad keeps a gun in his house, it could get some use here, or maybe those kitchen knives. My mom doesn't want me to do anything of this, she wants to die with me. She doesn't realize what harm I'm doing to her. At least she was out of the house when she was 18. What am I? Just nothing, a letdown, a forever dependent who thinks she's 12 years old.

It's not like advice helps either. I'm just going to end up not doing anything like the failure I am.
 
We're going back to Community College by February. As I said before, we're actually just starting out. It's always difficult to start out. We're not the only ones in this world with this situation right now.

I always think things will turn out for the better eventually, and it will. We won't stay in this dump forever.
 
Really sorry to hear things are so shitty right now, and hope the waves of apathy and destructive thoughts pass, as things done in desperation, rage and sorrow tend to turn to regrets and make things spiral, and no one here wants to see that happen to either of you. Comparing yourself to other people, especially previous generations with vastly different economic and life circumstances, is a recipe for disaster since you can never win: people better off make you feel like a failure, and people worse off make you feel like an ungrateful worm. You just have to keep trudging forward: it might be a while before things get better, one way or another, but they never will if you stop.

(Speaking form personal experience with past suicidal thoughts and ongoing periodic feelings of panic, isolation and failure. In the end, what keeps me going through the worst of it is reminding myself that as sucky as life can get, death is still worse.)
 
Baby Luigi said:
We're going back to Community College by February. As I said before, we're actually just starting out. It's always difficult to start out. We're not the only ones in this world with this situation right now.

I always think things will turn out for the better eventually, and it will. We won't stay in this dump forever.
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I can relate to you and your sister's situation quite well. I've only recently started to pull myself back together after hitting what to me felt like rock bottom 4 years ago. (I'm 23 btw)

I've never physically hurt myself but I would sink into self-loathing and depression where I'd just sit around all day doing nothing at all.

I realize this may seem like fluff to you but if there is anything I can assist you and your sister with please don't hesitate to ask. I don't know what I'd actually be able to help with but I could at least be a shoulder to lean on. When times are down it's always good to have some kind of moral support and I would feel disheartened if something were to happen to the both of you.
 
Mcmadness said:
Baby Luigi said:
We're going back to Community College by February. As I said before, we're actually just starting out. It's always difficult to start out. We're not the only ones in this world with this situation right now.

I always think things will turn out for the better eventually, and it will. We won't stay in this dump forever.
Click to expand...

I can relate to you and your sister's situation quite well. I've only recently started to pull myself back together after hitting what to me felt like rock bottom 4 years ago. (I'm 23 btw)

I've never physically hurt myself but I would sink into self-loathing and depression where I'd just sit around all day doing nothing at all.

I realize this may seem like fluff to you but if there is anything I can assist you and your sister with please don't hesitate to ask. I don't know what I'd actually be able to help with but I could at least be a shoulder to lean on. When times are down it's always good to have some kind of moral support and I would feel disheartened if something were to happen to the both of you.
Click to expand...
I've made a post in detail in Mindless Junk, although it might be a trigger warning because I've already shocked and saddened several users already. To get a better understanding what's happening, I suggest you look here (again, trigger warning).
 
It's not shocking. I've known many people in your position. All I can do is lend you my support and let you know you aren't alone.

You both are well loved by the community here and I'm sure they are all pulling for you, myself included.
 
I'm tired because I had one exam today, five tomorrow as well as my catch up work.

Also I'm hungry.
 
Proud of myself.

I bluffed my Grandma into giving up a flush for my two pairs.
 
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