Your current mood.

In a good mood at the moment!
 
Thoughts of self-harm came roaring back today, because I firmly believe that I'm just a fucking lazy and pathetic person who is nothing but a money-sucking leech and is nearly 21 years old and still living at home without a job and that what my dad said to me is what I think is completely correct about myself, so I fucking hate myself more.

I've used a bread knife to try cut my arm, but scissors do a better job at making me bleed.

This is the absolute worst I am feeling in a while.
 
I feel a bit better than I was hours ago but man I really don't want it to get any worse than this. I'm normally not like this. I like thinking that things will turn out for the better in the end. I tend to like myself a lot.

But today it just shows how fragile I really am. I get thoughts of self-harm a lot. I even think about account suicide or renaming my account here to something degrading, like "I don't care". I seriously thought that today. Also, I was trying to stab my Baby Luigi plush with sewing needles and about to pour ketchup all over him but my mom stopped me (and the ketchup bottle was empty anyway)

Thankfully I have my mom for support. And my birds are always a treat to be around with.

My twin feels like me too, and she did the same thing as me.
 
It was my idea to use the scissors after testing the bread knife and looking at the Tylenol, but I used the scissors. I need to be hurt around here. I don't deserve a roof or a bed. I don't do anything useful. All I do is play games and sit around and waste resources. I need wounds in my hand just so dad gets what he wants from me, justice. Why did my parents even give birth to me? My parents could've just left me out to die, especially since I'm diagnosed with ADHD; dad thinks I'm a freak with a mental disorder. Why not end it now? It would save them a hell lot of money. My dad keeps a gun in his house, it could get some use here, or maybe those kitchen knives. My mom doesn't want me to do anything of this, she wants to die with me. She doesn't realize what harm I'm doing to her. At least she was out of the house when she was 18. What am I? Just nothing, a letdown, a forever dependent who thinks she's 12 years old.

It's not like advice helps either. I'm just going to end up not doing anything like the failure I am.
 
We're going back to Community College by February. As I said before, we're actually just starting out. It's always difficult to start out. We're not the only ones in this world with this situation right now.

I always think things will turn out for the better eventually, and it will. We won't stay in this dump forever.