The Nintendo 7DS
* comes in 4 different versions: 7DS, New 7DS, 7DSi, New 7DSi; all released one month apart, mutually incompatible
* comes in XL flavor but also XS flavor for dwarves
* battery life is around one hour; can be extended with a hugeass addon battery back (sold separately)
* usage requires registration to Nintendo's services and confirmation from your country's healthcare services that you aren't subject to seizures or other shit
* not suitable for children under 25920 hours
* comes with two autostereoscopic touchscreens, resolution 800x480
* requires permanent internet connection to send usage statistics to Nintendo to help them improve user experience (and to help the NSA improve their knowledge of you)
* game cartridge is the same shape as a DS cartridge but with 6 tabs added all around to prevent insertion in 6DS/5DS/4DS/3DS/DS models
* backwards compatible with 6DS, 5DS, 4DS, 3DS and DS (and GBA/GBC if you can hack the hardware together) even though all the 7DS models are mutually incompatible
* Android-based OS with built-in advertisement, DLC and in-game purchase support
* security: surface taser triggers if you try to disassemble the console
* oh, and weirdass W-shaped screws noone else is using
* system monitor destroys all the data and fries the CPU if it detects that the system was hacked into
* can be hooked to HDTV or projector (great for retro-themed games, looks like total shit otherwise)
* compatible with 240V, 110V and 250000V power lines and gasoline
* USB port for use with Nintendo-made extension devices (no USB sticks to export your data or keyboards to type shit more easily, fuck off)
* SD card slot, SD card is mostly worthless though (proprietary partition format encrypted and signed with per-console keys)
* can be run over by a bus and take no damage; doesn't resist your hyperactive clumsy kids more than two hours though
* RS232 extension port for compatibility with NES extension devices, even though none of them work anymore by now
* comes with New Super Mario Bros 8; goal is to rescue Princess Peach again, levels require an increasing number of coins to be played, coins can be acquired ingame or bought via the eShop
* comes with Radeon X1950Pro GPU