Worst dialogue/writing?

Glowsquid

Glowsquid

Shine Sprite
Wiki Bureaucrat
Chat Operator
Retired Forum Mod
'Shroom Consultant
I realize this is a somehat odd premise since Mario isn't exactly know for its dense writing, but what the hell. What do you think are the Mario/Donkey Kong/Wario medias with the worst dialogue? It can be funny or cringeworthy, an individual line or a general apprasail of the writing, whatever, as long as it's bad.

I suspect most people are going to say Hotel Mario, but personally I'm a fan of the prose of the Donkey Kong Country chapter book, in all of its leadenly stiff and monkey pun-ridden glory:

"Find whom?" came a rough voice from behind him. "What in the name of monkey business is going on here?" It was Cranky Kong, Donkey Kong's granddad. "Holy monkey madness, will you just look at that!" said Cranky. "Looks like the Kremlings made off with all our bananas!"

"Hi, Pops," said Donkey Kong.
Click to expand...

The Kremling leader fell to the ground. Two more Kremlings dove at Diddy, who grabbed a vine and swung out of reach. He fought fiercely, giving the Kremlings a tough battle, but he was outnumbered. Finally, five Kremlings attacked Diddy at once, wrestling the squirming monkey to the ground.
Click to expand...

Diddy stood up straight and shouted in his loudest voice. "I am the brave Diddy Kong. Show yourself, if you are friendly. If not, then get ready for the fight of your life!"
Click to expand...

"Expresso!" Donkey Kong yelled, trying to be heard over the wind. What are you doing up here?"

"You guys look like you could use a hand. Actually, a foot. Well, really, two feet-wearing my sure-grip sneakers."
Click to expand...
 
I've posted scattered pages of Dinosaur Dillema before, but really, any page is a gem.

Mario dashes across the cellar floor. But the vicious, ornery, razor-toothed creatures grin at him. They get closer and closer and -

"Whooaa!" Mario falls through a small opening in the stone floor.

Splash! He plummets into a pool of dark oily water, several stories below.

"Arrrgh!" shouts Mario, struggling to stay afloat.

"BLARGG!" A terrifying roar fills the dark wet chamber.

The people who have heard that sound could tell you that it is made by giant sea serpents that live below the basements of haunted mansions.

Of course, those people have all been eaten.

GAME OVER!​
Click to expand...

Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, things are unusually peaceful. That's because evil Bowser Koopa has decided to go back to kindergarten and complete his education. Without that slimy green troublemaker at large, the kingdom is temporarily safe from nasty pranks and foul Koopa odors. So, the princess was able to reward the two heroic plumbers for their years of faithful service with an all-expenses-paid vacation.
Click to expand...

"Stop!" shouts Bowser, suddenly.

The Slimosaur stops lashing Mario with its sharp-edged leathery ties.

"Maybe I should let this poor slob go," says the turtle king, scratching his lumpy chin. Savoring the moment, he watches Mario collapse on the floor, gasping for air.

"No, I think knot," Bowser chuckles.

Immediately, the Tie-rack-asaurus grabs Mario with its slimy claws and twists him into a half-Windsor.

The giant creature lumbers away, proudly wearing the tied-up plumber around one of its necks.


GAME OVER!​
Click to expand...

Just then, a small greenish mushroom wearing a baseball cap waddles past, carrying a satchel of newspapers.

"Extra, extra!" shouts the foot-tall fungus. "Bowser Koopa wins Snowbell Prize. Read all about it." He tosses a newspaper towards them and struts away.

"What's it all about, Yoshi?" asks Mario, snatching away the paper before the dinosaur can swallow it.

Stunned, he reads the front page of the Mushroom World Gazette:

TURTLE GENIUS WINS BIG HONOR
For his brilliant new theories about dinosaurs, Professor Bowser Koopa will soon receive the Snowbell Prize, evil reptiledom's highest award. Earlier this week, Bowser shocked the scientific community by announcing that all the world's dinosaurs had become extinct because they forgot to look both ways before they crossed the street. Tomorrow, some of the greatest turtle celebrities will join Bowser at his summer home to present him with ...​

Mario stops reading.

"Bowser? A professor?" he asks skeptically. "There's something fishy about this whole affair. Besides, Yoshi, you're living proof that dinosaurs aren't extinct." He pats his friend on the snout.

Yoshi purrs affectionately and swallows the newspaper.
Click to expand...

"But wait! the evil turtle king continues. "It gets even better. Because I'll have won that prize, I'll get to be curator of the Museum of Mushroom Kingdom History. And that's right across the street from the royal mushroom palace." He snorts twice and begins to tap his scaly foot with glee. "I'll be able to throw rotten banana peels at Princess Toadstool and play all kinds of mean tricks on her fungus friends. No one will be able to stop me because it'll be in the museum and I won't let anybody come in."
Click to expand...

"That was about as fun as the time Luigi put weasels in my overalls," he grumbles and begins to walk down the hill.
Click to expand...
 
Just about everything Count Bleck ever says.
 
"I'm your mama?"
 
Nibbs said:
Mcmadness said:
Just about everything Count Bleck ever says.
Click to expand...
Just about anything anyone says or any text in Super Paper Mario
Click to expand...
[quote author=Bowser in SPM]
"Huuuuurgh! My brain hurts! I can't keep up with plot points this complicated!"
[/quote]
the game itself acknowledges that it's convoluted

honestly though while spm's dialogue and story tried way too hard to be dark, there are still some genuinely amusing moments, such as that.