Describe a video game/game series sarcastically!

ShadowDaHedgehog

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here I go… the Elder Scrolls Series!

As we all know, there’s three games. (Although some people only say one) Morrowind. Oblivion. Skyrim. Whaddya mean there’s five of them? Oh, wait… Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Oh, but nobody cares about Daggerfall or Arena. Anyways in these games you can kill a rat with a katana or do anything but the main quest. It’s also the only series that lets you ask “what’s your favorite race?” Without getting weird stares. It also has a comic relief race (I kid you not) that are friendly cannibals and reverse vegans. Another thing to note is how strange people act, who is so proud to own a farm they rub it in the face of everyone they meet or have conversations so bizarre that your game’s soundtrack gets associated with social anxiety?

These games have such memorable and deep characters! You got uh… skooma addicts… uh, the dude that follows you everywhere, Haelga- wait, let’s not talk about her on this site. In these games, you’re the chosen one! 1 in a million! In Skyrim, you could be Dragonborn, Leader of all factions, Thane of every hold, ended the civil war, and “Fancy robes, you a wizard or something?”

10/10 would play morrowind if I could.
 

Dr. R. Bushroot

Speaks for the weeds
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Core 'Shroom Staff
Retired Wiki Staff
Ok, so this is about a little elf dude who's sometimes a blond, sometimes brunette, one time I think he was bright pink... but he always likes to wear his skirts with no underpants on. Only that one time his girlfriend's granddad or something made him wear tights and then grounded him for almost a decade, so ever since then he's been kinda more repressed about it.

So like, this guy really gets around and has issues. Apparently he's several guys (but never a girl because the devs are old dudes and playing as a girl would be weird or something), but everyone is really obsessed with the one time his dad was a tree, and then his mom got sad about some war that nobody ever talks about in detail and threw him into the woods so he could get bullied by garden gnomes for not having a blue telephone waifu that circles around his head. But then tree dad is like "Yo, actually I'm Shakespeare" and tosses a blue chick through a fence, which causes a chain reaction that results in you screaming while getting hugged by a naked dude who's somehow simultaneously very buff, and very chubby. Then another blue waifu wants to boing you, but she's a fish instead. She takes you to her house, which is inside another, bigger fish, and the whole ordeal is so off-putting that you decide to hold open the door to ultimate power for the bad guy so the world can get proper fucked. Then you go on the grand revival tour to put the band back together and slam the same guy for being a different ethnicity, which is somehow seen as ok and causes a huge party to happen. Everyone is happy, except nobody is because everyone who matters is dead. It sucks so much that the ruler of the entire country comes down from the sky and says "Yeah, we're retconning this". But she fucks up and plays a song for babies instead of the hardcore proper hit single, which causes time to break into three parts. This pleases no one.

There's apparently more games, but everyone likes to pretend there aren't, even though some are legit better than the tree shit with the blue chicks. There's one where this sicko goes nuts because he can't handle a bad breakup with his polygamic posse and decides to be a dick by jacking your ride and leaving you hanging. Then you go through some door and he makes you eat someone's kid while the dad watches? It's pretty messed up. In another one there's another blue chick who makes fun of you and calls you a dog, then turns her hair into a hand to flip you off. But actually that never happens because before you can get anywhere, you need to buy a stupid toy from some shop lady who refuses to do business with you until you have touched a cat. But the cat must be coated with grease or something, because you can't pick it up. Instead you have to summon eagles through inadequately explained means and command them with your mind control powers to slam-tackle into a guy's bed until it falls in the river. Nobody does that part and everyone just gives up here. If anyone says they played past this they are lying to you and you should tie them to a big stick and ride around like a fat pig guy with a stupid child on your stick... Yeah, why did the pig guy have such an obsession with the kids anyway? Probably because the plot demanded it, idk. Some lady drops a sword that falls for way too long, then she dies. But then she actually doesn't die, and she comes back but her voice actor changed so now she sounds like a man. 2/10

There's allegedly another game with yet another blue chick, but this one's a major bummer so lets ignore her. It's about a magic society that has a special connection to birds, and they love their companion birds so much that they don't even bother to give them names. Then you fall through a hole because your guardians have trained you to blindly leap off of ledges like a lemming, but it's ok because your gf gave you some of her old clothes to use as a parachute. You talk to a triangle who has a really hard time beating Pac Man, but fortunately you show up to help. UNfortunately Pac Man is a weird pimple monster in this universe, so thanks for that. Your knife talks to you a bunch and gets jealous, so it passive-aggressively tells you to waggle it around for a bit to waste your time before you can progress past the part where birds shit on your head. I think at some point you steal some lady's bathtub, but it's ok because she's really ugly and the two other dudes don't look much better either. Good thing they fixed that in the game with the Ubisoft radio towers, or I would have screamed just like the knife lady does when she's singing.

Anyway, I really liked the latest one, even though there is yet another blue chick in it. Though this one is just wearing a blue shirt. The character who's actually blue in this is a bird, and luckily for him the people who allegedly loved him actually gave him a name. He's still kind of a prick, but I think that's just a short guy thing. He's actually kinda cute if you get past the annoyingness.

Though really, the best games are the ones they drew in MS Paint.
 

Dr. R. Bushroot

Speaks for the weeds
Chat Administrator
Core 'Shroom Staff
Retired Wiki Staff
All right, so this little baby man in a blue suit, his dad is like, Thomas Edison or some shit? Anyway, the government knocks on his door and is like "Hey, you're an engineer, sorta. Can you build us a couple buzz saws and blowtorches so we can construct more mega malls?" and Eddy responds with "Sure, but only if I can make them look like buff sexy men wearing speedos". The government is kinda weirded out by the thought of the equipment having "equipment" but goes along with it anyway because Edison is just really good at building them saws. Meanwhile Albert Einstein sees this and is like "that's hot" and tries to seduce the construction equipment, but gets thrown off the site when he touches the forklift's supple buttocks. "Nyehh! I will get my revenge," he cries, "Even if I have to style my hair to look like a bat!"

So then Einstein builds a thing that turns all the robots straight and Edison yells "This is not my intended design! You have voided the warranty by making unsanctioned modifications!" He sends out his baby boy to kill Albert Einstein, but since the boy is as dumb as a rock, all he can think of is to throw lemons. However, he once got a B- on a book report by copying what his desk neighbor wrote and it was the biggest achievement of his life, so he figures that if he kills people, he can just copy what they've been doing and it'll look like he thought of it himself. After all, who's going to object?

At that point he just keeps going around destroying shit and beating up all the other robots, and he breaks into Einstein's house to kick the shit out of him like, ten times. It gets pretty brutal over time; at one point his dad gives him a rabid dog for christmas and he rides it through Einstein's window to make the poor man get mauled. Like seriously, at which point has a man paid enough?

Anyway, at some point they made the graphics better, but the increase in sprite scale kinda messed with the screen estate and flow of the game. So when the fans were like "hey, could you make this play a little faster?" the devs all went "SHIT! WE HAVE MADE A SINGLE MISTAKE! WE MUST NEVER INNOVATE EVER AGAIN!!!" and kept the series stuck in the late 80s ever since.
 

Dr. R. Bushroot

Speaks for the weeds
Chat Administrator
Core 'Shroom Staff
Retired Wiki Staff
There's this thing about magic rats that brainwash society into being obsessed with rats and technology. Like, they infect one part of the world and suddenly everyone in the country talks about nothing else. You can't kill them either, and they are immune to all kinds of damage, except other rats. That means you can only make them slam into each other until they pass out. This makes them a great nuisance because you can't curb their spread effectively, and you can't get them out of your living spaces either because you can only carry six of them at once. So if you have two rats to use as rat flails to knock out other rats, as they are immune to damage otherwise, that means if there is an infestation in your basement and you want to use your car to drive them away from your property, you can only carry four per trip. If you try to carry more than the maximum number of rats, they warp into your computer and become viruses that spread your bank information and download rat porn. Because of this, people have largely given up and accepted the magic rats as their overlords.

One strange result of this is that society at large has become hateful of their children. Whenever a couple is found to have had a child, the father is promptly abducted by a government van and never seen again, unless they have a high enough governmentally sanctioned position to be immune. The child is then placed under strict supervision by an agent, usually called a Professor, who observes their development. When the child reaches the age of 10, it is separated from their remaining guardian and banished into the wild. As the child has been systematically starved of affection, it craves the attention of its betters and compulsively collects things to fill the emotional void. Most of these things are just more magic rats because as I've established, they are everywhere. But some desperate people have made a twisted game of the situation where they invite a kid into their house to knock out all the rats inside in exchange for a "badge". Children are lead on to believe that once they collect all the badges, they will finally obtain love and adoration. Few make it through this process without losing their mind and turning feral. These broken individuals stand alone at roads and in caves and cast their vicious stares in one or more directions all day, to ensnare those children that have not yet succumbed. They're called "trainers" because they train their eyes on you without needing food or sleep. If a child is caught by a trainer's stare, the victim's innate desire to receive attention will not let them leave until a blood match commences. If you are subdued by a trainer, you become one yourself, a process known as "nugget bridging".

This barbaric society that hates and encourages the destruction of their progeny is largely why the population is dwindling. With no viable means of retaining ones offspring, it has become commonplace for towns to have a head count in the single digits. Soon humanity will die out and the rats will inherit their world, presumably to form tribalistic guilds and living in houses that look like their face. There will be an annoying bird too.

Bizarrely, this seething disdain for children and their intelligence continues into the real world. The company responsible has made a practice of releasing the same exact game, over and over again, for 9 times and probably more. And the scary thing is that it works. Perhaps the true evil was never in the magic rats, but in the heart of man.

Also, sometimes you take pictures of them, or throw apples at their heads until they fall into a hole.
 
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