Collab: Good writing

Baby Luigi said:
I cleaned up some more Super Mario Adventures. The writing kills me. It's like the most unprofessional thing on this wiki. The use of exclamation marks is astounding. We have to get this cleaned up as soon as possible. It's that ridiculous.
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it was written by 3dejong back when i was still Superchao on the wiki in 2006

that's probably why
 
Well that explains everything.
 
Rewrote "A Splendid Plan" from Super Mario Adventures. After I've done editing all the paragraph, I'll change the headers too.

I'm pretty sure my writing isn't perfect and is still a bit repetitive in some sections, but I nearly broke a nerve there since this section was the most painful to rewrite so far.
 
Nice work with that, BLOF. Also, one of the comic scans on the Super Mario Adventures page actually had modified text. The first revision was modified by a fan, and if you look closely, says things like "noob" and "wtf". The uploader didn't see that. I found a larger version which looked like it had the official text (it was in another language), and I reuploaded it. Turns out that my version was modified as well, as a user called Immewnity reuploaded it again, with different text, saying that that was the official one. -_-
 
20130110093722!Sma_comic2.jpg

From what I think it says is
WTF where are we?

Ah!

Let's commit suicide!
Yay!

Yay!

OMG y OMG why?

*illegible text*

n00b
wtf!
 
Sombrero Guy said:
the ah is supposed to be an lol, i see now
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If ya did want to see the full size version, look here. Anyway, we should steer our way back to the Good Writing topic.
 
It's unfortunate that whoever rewrote those has a dead sense of humor

I finally finished editing it! Check it out, what do you like better?

That (old revision)

Or

This (new revision)

Currently requesting the old revision to get its own article in BJAODN because why the hell not? It meets all the criteria to be in there.
 
Looks great! But are you sure we can't organize it through chapters? If the name's weren't official, then we can't. But I found it easier to navigate that way.
 
That's a fantastic undertaking you did, BLOF. Though I suspect someone who actually owns the comic could make that, um, summary less tl;dr.



Someone should take a look at Mushroom Kingdom beacause

[quote author=ow]Government

The Mushroom Kingdom is a monarchy ruled by the Toadstool family. Currently, the ruler in power is Princess Peach. While King Toadstool's exact role in the government has never been confirmed, he has seemingly ceased ruling after Bowser's first direct attack on the kingdom. However, the fact that Princess Peach is not the queen may indicate that he still has political presence.

The Mushroom Chancellor remains in office for many years, allowing the royals to call on him for advice. In addition to his duties as adviser, the Chancellor may temporarily rule when the royal in power is to be away for an extended period of time. Princess Peach also employs many guards and attendants.

The kingdom's capital is Toad Town. Here, Princess Peach resides in a castle that is commonly referred to as Princess Peach's Castle. From here, Princess Peach takes care of her political duties, such as speaking with foreign ambassadors and holding parties. This building doubles as The castle interior and exterior have changed over time to reflect current needs.

Princess Peach keeps a hoard of Toads guards at her castle, but there is no evidence of an extensive military controlled by the Toadstools. During the Shroob Invasion, the Toadstools kept an extensive military, but it was quickly wiped out. Whether this organization has resumed is unknown. However, Mario, Luigi, and many other heroes of the Mushroom Kingdom have fought to save it and its princess countless times before. The Mario Bros. show no signs of stopping this trend. Currently, Princess Peach staffs and supports Toad Houses in major towns near Toad Town.
Demographics

The Mushroom Kingdom's population is very vast, consisting of hundreds of species. Most prevalent are Toads, Koopa Troopas, Goombas, Yoshis, and Boos. Even though Princess Peach is human, there are very few humans living in the Mushroom Kingdom.

While racism is not much of a problem in the kingdom, species tend to segregate themselves into different areas. For example, Toad Town's population is almost entirely made up of Toads, while Shiver City is inhabited by many Bumpties.
Species of the Mushroom Kingdom

Toad
Human
Koopa Troopa
Goomba
Boo
Yoshi
Bumpty
Shy Guy
Bob-omb
Raven
Little Mouser
Mii

Currency
The current design of the Mushroom Coin.

Main article: Coin

The Mushroom Kingdom primarily uses Coins for tender, referred to as Mushroom Coins in the Beanbean Kingdom. Coming in five varieties (Gold Coin, Red Coin (worth two coins), Blue Coin (worth five coins), 10 Gold Coin (worth 10 coins), and 100 Gold Coin (worth 100 coins)), Coins are often found scattered throughout the Kingdom for unknown reasons. The coin has undergone several changes throughout the years; the three most famous Coin designs are the blank design, the star design, and the "1" design.

Compared to Beanbean Coins from the Beanbean Kingdom, Coins are of little worth (their exact comparative worth is constantly fluctuating). It is unknown if this signifies a good economy in Beanbean or a bad one in the Mushroom Kingdom. It could also simply mean that the Mushroom Kingdom uses very small units of measurement compared to the Beanbean Kingdom in terms of currency.

Additionally, the gold system featured in Luigi's Mansion may additionally be used in the Mushroom Kingdom, although it is unconfirmed.
Cities, Towns and Castles

Toad Town - Capital City
Princess Peach's Castle - The princess's castle
Mario's Pad- Mario and Luigi's house
Goomba Village - A small village populated by Goombario's family
Koopa Village - A village of Koopa Troopas
Koopa Bros. Fortress - The Koopa Bros. hideout
Dry Dry Outpost - A small desert town home to Dryites
Dry Dry Ruins - The ancient home of the Nomadimice
Forever Forest - A spooky forest.
Boo's Mansion - One of many ghost houses found in the world
Gusty Gulch - The path to Tubba Blubba's Castle; includes a village home to Boos
Tubba Blubba's Castle - A castle filled with Clubbas and their master, Tubba Blubba
Lavalava Island - A volcanic island and its village full of Yoshis and Ravens
Flower Fields- Flowers and fauna grow here; home to the Bub-ulbs
Shiver City - A snowy city full of Bumpties
Starborn Valley - Birthplace of the stars
Crystal Palace - An intricate maze of mirrors and statues
Hollijolli Village - A jolly little town until the Shroobs invaded
Mushroom City - A giant city with many buildings; possibly the largest city in the Kingdom
Mushroom Bridge - A bridge near Mushroom City
Moonview Highway - A highway in Mushroom City
Rogueport - A widely known port
Petal Meadows - A peaceful meadow
Hooktail Castle - The home to a ferocious dragon
Petalburg - A village full of Koopas and even some Toads
Shhwonk Fortress - A fortress that guards the stone keys that open Hooktail Castle
Glitzville - A widely known floating city
Glitz Pit - An arena where fighters battle to the finish
Twilight Town - A town stuck in dim twilight
Creepy Steeple - A bell castle with many secrets
Keelhaul Key - An island ruled by pirate king Cortez
Poshley Heights - A town full of rich people
Fahr Outpost - A desolate town populated only by bob-ombs

Protectors of the Mushroom Kingdom

Mario
Luigi
Princess Peach
Toad
Bowser (Bowser wants to rule to the Mushroom Kingdom rather than destroy it, and protects it from destruction in Bowser's Inside Story)
Toadsworth
Yoshi (character)
Yoshi (species)
Yellow Toad
Blue Toad
Wario (Super Mario 64 DS)
Twink
Mallow
Geno
Goombario
Kooper
Bombette
Parakarry
Lady Bow
Watt
Sushie
Lakilester
Star Spirits
Eldstar
Mamar
Skolar
Muskular
Misstar
Klevar
Kalmar
Wise Wisterwood
Goombella
Koops
Flurrie
Admiral Bobbery
Vivian
Ms. Mowz
Wanda [/quote]

lol
 
I'll take a look at the article.

....

Seems like the entire article is messed up. The History section is almost as bad as the Government section. I really dislike the use of game "chronology" to describe the events of a game. Like, Super Mario 3D Land occurring AFTER Super Mario Galaxy 2. Or Mario Kart Wii's events after Super Mario Galaxy.

Yep, this article is my next project.



Also, on a related note, Toad Town was nominated to be featured. Of course, I took a look into that article. And here again, we get this same chronological crap. We also get speculation of some sort (I don't think that's Toad Town in Mario Circuit, please give me a source that tells me otherwise)

And of course, you get sentences like these

As the capital of the kingdom, Toad Town and Princess Peach's Castle were the aliens' first targets. They attacked with Shroob UFOs, neutralizing the area with their offensive weaponry. Ruthlessly, they assaulted both buildings, such as Princess Peach's Castle, and people, such as the Toads walking outside in the streets. The aliens weren't able to capture the young princess herself, as she had escaped into the future. E. Gadd's Time Machine brought the adult Princess Peach into the past instead - and into the aliens' grasps.
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Not to mention the Background section renders the Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time section completely redundant
 
Now I'm working on it. It's very fun to do. I absolutely love editing and proofreading this.

Yeah, I know I reduced Mario Kart, Mario Golf, and Mario Tennis to just one or two sentences, but what else is there to say about Mushroom Kingdom in these games? There's no story. No plot So you know what the rest of the parts I removed served as?

That's right, padding

Less can be more, folks. Precision is key.

This is the ugliest paragraph I had done so far

[quote author=blah blah blah WHO CARES!?]While Toad is referred to as the ''Mushroom Kingdom Hero'' in this game, the usual protectors (including Mario, Luigi, and Peach) of the Mushroom Kingdom are oddly absent throughout the events of this game. Even Bowser himself (the main antagonist of the games) was absent during the event of Wario's taking over of the Kingdom. While it is unknown as to where these characters were during this time, it could be possible that this game takes place during the events of ''[[Super Mario World]]'' (a game released a few years earlier). As Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser (unknowingly) had left the Kingdom during the events of ''Super Mario World'' to explore distant lands, this would make Toad to be the only major protagonist to be left in the Mushroom Kingdom (as he did not make an appearance in ''Super Mario World''). Additionally, only characters that are not present in ''Super Mario World'' make an appearance in ''Wario's Woods''. However, the proof that whether or not ''Wario's Woods'' takes place in the same time period as ''Super Mario World'' has yet to be shown.[/quote]

Not as bad as the aforementioned racism thing (I'm putting THAT into Mindless Junk, no doubt about it), but that entire paragraph is pure speculation
 
Also, on a related note, Toad Town was nominated to be featured. Of course, I took a look into that article. And here again, we get this same chronological crap.
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FAs nominations are based entirely around raw size (usually expressed as "amount of info") and the number of images. With most of the userbase less than 13-yrs old, it will be a challenge to change the system so that users vote for an article purely because it doesn't sucks.

(I'm putting THAT into Mindless Junk, no doubt about it)
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I guess you meant to type BJAODN?
 
Yeah I did. It was pretty late last night and besides, what comes out in the keyboard is different than what's in my head usually.

I have a problem with the Mushroom Kingdom article. The article describes mostly the events happening in the games, not the place in question. I think we should remove all the story bits in it.
 
I am planning to completely overhaul the Mushroom Kingdom article.

Why? Again, what I said earlier: most of the text describes what happens in the respective games rather than the place itself. The problem I am running into is that the article should cover every game it appears in. The trouble is that there's nothing much more to add other than "Mushroom Kingdom is the setting in Super Mario 64." without adding superfluous story elements (like in the article's current state). And Mushroom Kingdom is a recurring setting, unlike other places such as the Shake Dimension or Bean Bean Kingdom. I don't really want to reduce the article's sections into one or two sentences per section, since it will make the article look completely redundant, if not void of anything, nor we should allow the superfluous story elements to remain in this article.

So, any ideas or suggestions?
 
I thought the page could be better served by scrapping the history as it is and having an "Overview" section noting that it appears in [most] games and how its portrayed differs/evolves from game-to-game, when applicable (for example, "The Mushroom Kingdom appears as the setting for most installments of the Mario series. [...] Super Mario RPG is the first game to show civilian life, something continued in Paper Mario" [...] the New Super Mario Bros. series codifies the Mushroom Kingdom into eight clear-cut environements" or something less shitty). There's no point in having a sub-section for every appearances as there's very little to say about any of them, so I'd say just use this table.
 
Finally done that Mushroom Kingdom article. Man, removing all of that and putting an overview is easy. Maybe it could use some more info, maybe not. What's to say for sure that it looks SO MUCH BETTER now.

That confounded table was so hard to construct. I believe it's STILL missing some titles, whatever.
 
wow @ dat table. Great job.
 
The Paper Mario section could use some story / game progression stuff (not what used to be on there, though), but it certainly reads much better than it used to.
 
I agree with that, but I'm not too bright on Paper Mario subject matters. Maybe someone else can do it?
 
That's good now. Well, this has been done.

Any more articles that need clean-up? :P
 
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