If an intruder came into your home, what would you say, do etc.?

Me it depends. My mom it depends to.
 
hey. I see you're new here (welcome btw), but you seem to have accidently put this in the wrong board. general discussion is for subjects related to the wiki or the forum, such as proposals, maintenance, etc. off-subject disscusion is where you want to go for topics like this. :)

on-topic; I'd probably grab the nearest heavy object and try to defend myself with it
 
Question them if that's possible, otherwise knock them out, either with the fisticuffs or the assistance of a nearby object capable of causing intense trauma with relative ease. Then I'd call the police or take whatever necessary action to exact justice as it's due.

At least, that's what I'd normally (intend to) do but if it's somehow possible, I'd politely greet them with a handshake, saying "why hello there, care for a cup of tea?"

I would sit them on the couch and persuade them to say yes - if they ask for crumpets though I'll remind them this isn't a charity - and go into the kitchen to fix them a cup. And in the kitchen, I'll call my immediate family. When I come out shortly after, I'll be carrying a knife to ensure I have the upper hand. At that moment, I'll state that this isn't their cup of tea, just as their demeanour here isn't mine. That would be checkmate, and reinforcements would eventually arrive home.
 
probably scream and run to the nearest relative for help
 
i sometimes keep knives in my room when i'm home alone, to ensure that if someone comes in, i'll have a way to defend myself
 
after hiding in a closet, alerting the police thanks to wonderful smartphone technology, and letting them play hide-and-seek for me I'll introduce them to The Butter Knife

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offer them a spotting cup of hot tea and try to sort things out

if he says no then at least I can accidentally spill it on him