Lord Bowser. I am grateful for the promotion to Captain. I've come to your throne to inform you that I would like for my troop to pivot tactics. For years now, we've been kidnapping Princess Peach day in and day out. Overwhelming her measly kingdom with sheer marital might has been enjoyable, as have the various schemes used to slip her out whenever the army got bored. Seriously, the Trojan cake was legendary! How was it ever allowed into the castle? You should pat the kid on the back again for it. But... after all these times, surely you've seen the one failure point in every attempt? Its always the Super Mario Brothers, going out, stomping everyone, and... just barely managing to wrench Peach from your mighty grasp.
Defeating the Mushroom Kingdom is extremely trivial; the army could do it in their sleep. Lord Bowser, you once blasted the whole place to the ground with just some Thwomp support. Practicing standard military operations daily has much less of a point when our primary opponent will fall to a stiff breeze, yet lousy Mario and his pesky friends always get the better of us. This is why I think my team should be dedicated to putting the plumbers in their place.
Having a division dedicated to anti-hero tactics will serve to ensure Peach will never escape again. We would reorganize patrol routes to make it more difficult for Mario to reach and clear out our castles. We would be able to specifically target training for the minions best suited for challenging Mario, like the Hammer Bros. and the Spike Tops. We would be able to run interference against the Toads living beyond the Mushroom Kingdom's borders, who keep finding extra power-ups to just hand over to our most hated enemies. But, moreover, we would be able to perform operations specifically against Mario. For example, one plan I've been stewing on is luring him in with the pretense of a tennis tournament, so that we could blast him with the entire kingdom's arsenal of cannons! Here's another good one: We could switch his shoes for cursed ones that don't allow him to jump! Imagine Mario, walking up to you, fully ready to leap, but forgetting he's cursed so you scorch him with your fire breath? These are the kind of situatiions my division would be able to create if you approve of my changes!
I feel that this rebrand for my team requires a fitting title, and I have just the one. The "Mighty Marching Mario Miring Masher Militia"! Really rolls off the tongue, don't you think? A name like that will both hype up the troops and strike fear into Mario's heart. If he hesitates or doesn't even get out of bed, all the better!
