Revenge of cackletta

Cackletta

Cackletta

Plus, I have no motivation. My parents are fine.
This is a story I am creating about a game with Cackletta as the main enemy again. please feel free to post or PM me your suggestions and opinions.
One day in the mushroom kingdom, mario was having a date with princess peach. then, luigi busted in and told him that Fawful was back again. so they went out and they saw the tiny black insect-like creature. then, fawful turned into a humongous monster and picked them up. they were put down in the remains of Bean-Bean castle where they saw cackletta. she was younger- looking, but only slightly. " I have come from the past. that old scientist just GAVE his machine to me. old fool. I was going to go back in time, when fawful came out of it and told me the news about my defeat. so, I came here to destroy you in advance." then, cackletta pressed a button and 2 people came out of a door. it was queen bean and prince peasly! but instead of being nice like they usually were, they grabbed mario and luigi and put them into a cage. mario and luigi got out using the drill move and went to tell the princess.
 
Incoming angry Nabber.

Not that great, I suggest maybe using a lot more good use of language and please use proper punctuation when writing these
 
Too short, bad grammar, no description.
Probably one of the worst things I have read on here, no offence.
 
Cackletta said:
well, this is not all of it. I will write more once I start getting better ideas. And also, I said opinions and ideas, not hate.
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but the general idea is that we criticise work

there's no hating going on here, chillax brah, we cool, we cool
 
Exactly
I'm sorry but it doesn't even make sense to me, I'm not hating. I'm telling you where you are going wrong so you can improve.
 
On their way back to the castle, Mario and Luigi saw a Star Sprite captured in a cage! they got it out using their hammers and it turned out to be Starlows little brother, Starson. When they got back, Mario told peach the news. Then Bowser, who still hated Fawful from events in BIS, said he saw Fawful turn back into his Beanish form and he wants to help. he decided to send his entire army and made Kamek the general.

I am trying hard to make this a good story. it IS my first time writing a story without me teacher telling me what to write it about so I dont have much experience.
 
The army was defeated. no-one knew why, but they assumed it had something to do with the headgear. the entire army was captured. Mario and Luigi went to try to stop Cackletta. on their way, a green blur came by and stole their suitcase and ran to a forest. They chased after it and saw none other than Popple and his new rookie:

this is a cliffhanger. I am short of ideas and I was hoping you guys could help me come up with another Rookie character.
 
This moves way too fast.
The grammar is bad.
No character development.
Cliched and boring explanation as to why Cackletta is back.
Little to know dialogue.
Characters appear out of nowhere.
Chapters barely qualify as paragraphs, let alone actual chapters.

Don't take offense to this. I'm just stating the facts.
 
Cackletta said:
I wont continue if its really that bad.
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You won't get any better if you quit cold turkey. In my experience, the best way to become a better writer is to just write. You'll get the hang of it eventually.
 
My main advice for this story: Please don't start it with "one day"

It makes it sound like a story for babies, which is just terrible for a forum where there are literally no babies. Try to open with a prologue. I'd recommend reading some books such as Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, the Chronicles of Narnia, and even the bible to get a feel about how a story should progress.
 
the bible is a horrible thing to read for a story's progression are you kidding me

we're talking about user-fics, not multi-book epics

(ignoring of course how divine intervention isn't very fun in stories)
 
there's also the fact that there are parts of the bible that are literally nothing more than "and this guy was the son of this guy, who was son of this guy"
 
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