The Power of Pokemon: Team Rocket's Revenge

Pokémon Trainer Rin Kagamine said:
Nabber said:
There's more to a story than grammar, you know.

And you're not supposed to sugarcoat stories. You don't improve with sugarcoating.

(but seriously read Guise or Project Aviate, they're great)
Click to expand...
Well it's a bit harsh to say it was horrible.

It wasn't horrible though. It just wasn't the greatest.
Click to expand...
Well, if it was horrible, you should let them know. Otherwise they'll just go on thinking they're the greatest thing since hole punchers.
 
Roserade said:
Chapter 2

"Dang, you're right," Rin whispered, "it IS Team Rocket!" Several men and women were surrounding the mayor of Overgreen. "Hand over your Pokemon!" Said one Team Rocket member. To his side were a Hypno and a Weezing. "Never!" The mayor replied, his Pigdeotto pecking at the Team Rocket member. "Well then," the Team Rocket member smirked, "we'll have to take your Pokemon by force." "Never!" Rin yelled, Jaden by her side. "Well well, what do we have here? How amusing, you trying to get rid of Team Rocket." "We'll show you! Go, Glaceon!" Rin threw up a Pokeball. A Glaceon appeared in a flash of light. "Go, Butterfree!" Said Jaden. He threw up a Pokeball, a Butterfree appearing.

"Butterfree, Shadow Ball!" Jaden commanded. Butterfree shot a ball of black at Hypno. "Hypno, jump!" The Team Rocket member yelled. "Now, Hypno, Pound!" Hypno slammed into Butterfree, making Butterfree go sailing into the ground. "Oh no you don't! Glaceon, Ice Beam!" Glaceon shot a beam of ice at Hypno. "Hypno, use Ice Punch and use the Ice Beam to power it!" Hypno's fist became surrounded by ice, then even more ice appeared when the Ice Beam hit its target. "Weezing, Tackle! Hypno, Ice Punch!" The two Pokemon charged at Glaceon. "Butterfree, protect Glaceon with Bug Buzz!" Jaden said. Butterfree sent the Weezing and Hypno sprawling. "Err, Weezing, Hypno, return!" The Team Rocket member said. The two Pokemon returned to their Pokeballs. "We'll be back!" Said the Team Rocket member. An Alakazam appeared with a flash of light. "Alakazam, Teleport!" And with that, Team Rocket disappeared.
Click to expand...

4/10
 
Roserade said:
Chapter 2

"Dang, you're right," Rin whispered, "it IS Team Rocket!" Several men and women were surrounding the mayor of Overgreen. "Hand over your Pokemon!" Said one Team Rocket member. To his side were a Hypno and a Weezing. "Never!" The mayor replied, his Pigdeotto pecking at the Team Rocket member. "Well then," the Team Rocket member smirked, "we'll have to take your Pokemon by force." "Never!" Rin yelled, Jaden by her side. "Well well, what do we have here? How amusing, you trying to get rid of Team Rocket." "We'll show you! Go, Glaceon!" Rin threw up a Pokeball. A Glaceon appeared in a flash of light. "Go, Butterfree!" Said Jaden. He threw up a Pokeball, a Butterfree appearing.

"Butterfree, Shadow Ball!" Jaden commanded. Butterfree shot a ball of black at Hypno. "Hypno, jump!" The Team Rocket member yelled. "Now, Hypno, Pound!" Hypno slammed into Butterfree, making Butterfree go sailing into the ground. "Oh no you don't! Glaceon, Ice Beam!" Glaceon shot a beam of ice at Hypno. "Hypno, use Ice Punch and use the Ice Beam to power it!" Hypno's fist became surrounded by ice, then even more ice appeared when the Ice Beam hit its target. "Weezing, Tackle! Hypno, Ice Punch!" The two Pokemon charged at Glaceon. "Butterfree, protect Glaceon with Bug Buzz!" Jaden said. Butterfree sent the Weezing and Hypno sprawling. "Err, Weezing, Hypno, return!" The Team Rocket member said. The two Pokemon returned to their Pokeballs. "We'll be back!" Said the Team Rocket member. An Alakazam appeared with a flash of light. "Alakazam, Teleport!" And with that, Team Rocket disappeared.
Click to expand...
One thing, "said" after a quote isn't a new sentence, so it shouldn't be capitalized. But hey, at least you got a higher rating on your story than I did.
 
That is true.
 
Chapter 3

"Say, I wonder why Team Rocket attacked Overgreen town," said Rin. "They said they wanted the mayor's Pokemon. But that's Team Galactic's thing, and they dispersed." "True," Jaden agreed. "Hey, wait a minute!' He stopped suddenly. "The mayor has a Pidgeotto and a Lucario!" "So?" "So, remember the legend?" "What lege-..." Rin was cut short when she saw a boy on the hill. Beside him was a Zoroark. The boy was staring at straight at them evilly. "Hello? Who are you?" Rin called up the hill. The boy said nothing. Then the Zoroark jumped in front of him and let out a battle call. Rin started to climb the hill. Zoroark's claws began to glow. But Rin didn't notice. "Rin! Look out!" yelled Jaden. It was too late. Zoroark slashed Rin's arm. She stumbled down the hill. "You okay?" asked Jaden. "Yeah, fine," replied Rin. The Zoroark raced towards them.

"Go, Roselia!" Jaden yelled as he threw a Poke Ball into the air. The small Pokemon appeared with a flash of light. The Zoroark's claws turned black as it struck Roselia. It fell backwards. "Roselia, stop it with Stun Spore!" Jaden commanded. The spores covered the Zoroark as it fell to the ground, unable to move. Then, suddenly, it was gone. The two Trainers looked at the hill. The boy was gone as well.
 
3/10
Look, I'm going to give you a few good tips.
1. Make chapters longer, at least 2 pages on word. Also, remember a new line for a new speaker.
2. Slow down the pace
3. Description, you need to describe locations, appearances and even the way people speak and act
4. Upload chapters into userpedia or something like that
5. Make it more intresting, give it more of a story rather than the pokemon anime episode cliche it is at the moment

Just a few tips, I'm not going to critisize as such though
 
Jaden has sucky Pokémon (no offense, but Roselia would be one of my last choices, just right above Magikarp)
 
Roselia's gonna evolve into Roserade, it's gonna be awesomer soon.
 
May I sign in?

Icey:
Ivysaur:
SolarBeam
Sunny Day
Sludge Bomb
Take Down
Natu
Psychic
Giga Drain
Future Sight
Peck (replace it with something else, I can't decide)
Snorunt
Ice Beam
Crunch
Headbutt
Icy Wind
Wartortle
Surf
Skull Bash
Ice Beam
Bubble Beam
Beedrill
Twineedle
Fury Attack
Agility
Poison Sting (replace it if you will)
Haunter
Shadow Ball
Sucker Punch
Hypnosis
Dream Eater
 
Note to everyone:

SIGN-UPS ARE ALWAYS AVAILABLE!!!

Thank you, that is all.

Chapter 4 coming soon.
 
I'm going to give you some tips for the next Chapter:

1. Make chapters longer
2. Descriptions. You should describe locations, appearance of people, pokemon, etc.
3. Don't use too much anime cliches. People prefer the game rather than the anime. Try to make it less close to the anime as possible!
4. Use paragraphs instead of making the whole chapter a block of words.

Maybe people will like it more if you follow those tips.
 
IceShadow1199 said:
3. Don't use too much anime cliches. People prefer the game rather than the anime. Try to make it less close to the anime as possible!
Click to expand...
For example, levels would be appreciated
 
IceShadow1199 said:
I'm going to give you some tips for the next Chapter:

1. Make chapters longer
2. Descriptions. You should describe locations, appearance of people, pokemon, etc.
3. Don't use too much anime cliches. People prefer the game rather than the anime. Try to make it less close to the anime as possible!
4. Use paragraphs instead of making the whole chapter a block of words.

Maybe people will like it more if you follow those tips.
Click to expand...
Did you copy my advice post?
 
Phantom L said:
IceShadow1199 said:
I'm going to give you some tips for the next Chapter:

1. Make chapters longer
2. Descriptions. You should describe locations, appearance of people, pokemon, etc.
3. Don't use too much anime cliches. People prefer the game rather than the anime. Try to make it less close to the anime as possible!
4. Use paragraphs instead of making the whole chapter a block of words.

Maybe people will like it more if you follow those tips.
Click to expand...
Did you copy my advice post?
Click to expand...

Not really.

Nabber said:
what no don't make it like the game just make it a story
Click to expand...

I didn't mean it that way

Squirtle said:
IceShadow1199 said:
3. Don't use too much anime cliches. People prefer the game rather than the anime. Try to make it less close to the anime as possible!
Click to expand...
For example, levels would be appreciated
Click to expand...

See above
 
http://wiki.userpedia.net/Chapter_3
 
You are actually slowly starting to take our advice, though you still need to use more description, use a new line for a new speaker and use paragraphs, but you actually tried this time.
4/10
 
Can I still join?
Trainer name: Inferno
Pokemon:
Infernape- Close Combat, Flamethrower, Blast Burn, Stone Edge
Samurott- Surf, Slash, Megahorn, Hydro Cannon
Lucario- Aura Sphere, Dragon Pulse, Dark Pulse, Close Combat
Serperior- Leaf Blade, Aqua Tail, Outrage, Frenzy Plant
Snorlax- Body Slam, Fire Punch, Psychic, Double-Edge
Dragonite- Extremespeed, Dragon Pulse, Ice Beam, Flamethrower
 
Hiyoko Saionji said:
Roserade said:
http://wiki.userpedia.net/Chapter_3
Click to expand...

you just called it "Chapter 3"? Shouldn't you have to put in the title of the story somewhere?
Click to expand...
Sorry, I'll do so.

Glitchy said:
Can I still join?
Trainer name: Inferno
Pokemon:
Infernape- Close Combat, Flamethrower, Blast Burn, Stone Edge
Samurott- Surf, Slash, Megahorn, Hydro Cannon
Lucario- Aura Sphere, Dragon Pulse, Dark Pulse, Close Combat
Serperior- Leaf Blade, Aqua Tail, Outrage, Frenzy Plant
Snorlax- Body Slam, Fire Punch, Psychic, Double-Edge
Dragonite- Extremespeed, Dragon Pulse, Ice Beam, Flamethrower
Click to expand...
Welcome into the story! You'll come in around the time IceShadow does(he signed up before he was banned).



Nagito Komaeda said:
You are actually slowly starting to take our advice, though you still need to use more description, use a new line for a new speaker and use paragraphs, but you actually tried this time.
4/10
Click to expand...
Alright, I'll get onto it!
 
Roserade said:
Hiyoko Saionji said:
Roserade said:
http://wiki.userpedia.net/Chapter_3
Click to expand...

you just called it "Chapter 3"? Shouldn't you have to put in the title of the story somewhere?
Click to expand...
Sorry, I'll do so.

Glitchy said:
Can I still join?
Trainer name: Inferno
Pokemon:
Infernape- Close Combat, Flamethrower, Blast Burn, Stone Edge
Samurott- Surf, Slash, Megahorn, Hydro Cannon
Lucario- Aura Sphere, Dragon Pulse, Dark Pulse, Close Combat
Serperior- Leaf Blade, Aqua Tail, Outrage, Frenzy Plant
Snorlax- Body Slam, Fire Punch, Psychic, Double-Edge
Dragonite- Extremespeed, Dragon Pulse, Ice Beam, Flamethrower
Click to expand...
Welcome into the story! You'll come in around the time IceShadow does(he signed up before he was banned).



Nagito Komaeda said:
You are actually slowly starting to take our advice, though you still need to use more description, use a new line for a new speaker and use paragraphs, but you actually tried this time.
4/10
Click to expand...
Alright, I'll get onto it!
Click to expand...
Oh yeah, my personality is usually upbeat outside of battle, but in battle very serious surprisingly. I also sometimes can't get the best out of my pokemon.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back