Wiki Adventure (Chapter 3 Released!)

User4042

Celestial Guide
Re: Wiki Adventure: Editor Needed

Luigi Bandicoot said:
I'd like to be the mad scientist who lives in his mother's house basement and sincerely has no ideas.
Ok.
 

Toad85

MarioKartRPG
Re: Wiki Adventure: Editor Needed

I would like to be an antihero.

And I'll take up that editing role as well.
 

User4042

Celestial Guide
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

First chapter draft is done. http://userpedia.adriels.com/wiki/Wiki_Adventure/Chapter_1
 

Bop1996

Power Star
Retired Wiki Staff
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Your writing style is very disjointed.

PTM also keeps changing whether he's talking in first person or third person

This was somewhat jarring to me, and made the story unpleasant to read.

I suggest correcting these flaws before you write anymore.

PTM should also create a better description of his environments and characters.
 

User4042

Celestial Guide
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Lord Ghirahim said:
Your writing style is very disjointed.

PTM also keeps changing whether he's talking in first person or third person

This was somewhat jarring to me, and made the story unpleasant to read.

I suggest correcting these flaws before you write anymore.

PTM should also create a better description of his environments and characters.
...Who's PTM? I'm PTR. Read The Real Life Wiki by Supremo and it's very similar.
 

Bop1996

Power Star
Retired Wiki Staff
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Pokémon Trainer Red said:
Lord Ghirahim said:
Your writing style is very disjointed.

PTM also keeps changing whether he's talking in first person or third person

This was somewhat jarring to me, and made the story unpleasant to read.

I suggest correcting these flaws before you write anymore.

PTM should also create a better description of his environments and characters.
...Who's PTM? I'm PTR. Read The Real Life Wiki by Supremo and it's very similar.
That was a typo; I was meaning to refer to you, sorry. No matter how popular a similar work may be, the flaws are still there. A horizontal line like that would be useful sometimes, but you had around four or five horizontal lines for ten or twelve lines of text, and that's totally disjointed. Changing point of view every few sentences is bad no matter who is writing; changing a first person view between people would be fine, but changing from first to third and back again every few sentences is incredibly irksome to read.
 

User4042

Celestial Guide
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Lord Ghirahim said:
Pokémon Trainer Red said:
Lord Ghirahim said:
Your writing style is very disjointed.

PTM also keeps changing whether he's talking in first person or third person

This was somewhat jarring to me, and made the story unpleasant to read.

I suggest correcting these flaws before you write anymore.

PTM should also create a better description of his environments and characters.
...Who's PTM? I'm PTR. Read The Real Life Wiki by Supremo and it's very similar.
That was a typo; I was meaning to refer to you, sorry. No matter how popular a similar work may be, the flaws are still there. A horizontal line like that would be useful sometimes, but you had around four or five horizontal lines for ten or twelve lines of text, and that's totally disjointed. Changing point of view every few sentences is bad no matter who is writing; changing a first person view between people would be fine, but changing from first to third and back again every few sentences is incredibly irksome to read.
Well sorry. Unlike Wiki's Danger, I'm continuing this.
 

UltraMario

Donkey Kong
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Wait, Ash is one of the main villains?



Seriously, Blue would make a much better villain...
 

User4042

Celestial Guide
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Pinkie Pie said:
Wait, Ash is one of the main villains?



Seriously, Blue would make a much better villain...
No. He's Vinnie, and he's a hero.
 

UltraMario

Donkey Kong
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Orly? My mistake. But why is he beside the villains in the logo? Also, Blue should be a villain to even out the number of heroes and villains.
 

Bop1996

Power Star
Retired Wiki Staff
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Pokémon Trainer Red said:
Lord Ghirahim said:
Pokémon Trainer Red said:
Lord Ghirahim said:
Your writing style is very disjointed.

PTM also keeps changing whether he's talking in first person or third person

This was somewhat jarring to me, and made the story unpleasant to read.

I suggest correcting these flaws before you write anymore.

PTM should also create a better description of his environments and characters.
...Who's PTM? I'm PTR. Read The Real Life Wiki by Supremo and it's very similar.
That was a typo; I was meaning to refer to you, sorry. No matter how popular a similar work may be, the flaws are still there. A horizontal line like that would be useful sometimes, but you had around four or five horizontal lines for ten or twelve lines of text, and that's totally disjointed. Changing point of view every few sentences is bad no matter who is writing; changing a first person view between people would be fine, but changing from first to third and back again every few sentences is incredibly irksome to read.
Well sorry. Unlike Wiki's Danger, I'm continuing this.
I don't want you to discontinue this; I want you to improve your writing. That's the point of my critique.
 

User4042

Celestial Guide
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Pinkie Pie said:
Orly? My mistake. But why is he beside the villains in the logo? Also, Blue should be a villain to even out the number of heroes and villains.
Because I wanted him to be. Because I had no room left on the bottom row.

Lord Ghirahim said:
Pokémon Trainer Red said:
Lord Ghirahim said:
Pokémon Trainer Red said:
Lord Ghirahim said:
Your writing style is very disjointed.

PTM also keeps changing whether he's talking in first person or third person

This was somewhat jarring to me, and made the story unpleasant to read.

I suggest correcting these flaws before you write anymore.

PTM should also create a better description of his environments and characters.
...Who's PTM? I'm PTR. Read The Real Life Wiki by Supremo and it's very similar.
That was a typo; I was meaning to refer to you, sorry. No matter how popular a similar work may be, the flaws are still there. A horizontal line like that would be useful sometimes, but you had around four or five horizontal lines for ten or twelve lines of text, and that's totally disjointed. Changing point of view every few sentences is bad no matter who is writing; changing a first person view between people would be fine, but changing from first to third and back again every few sentences is incredibly irksome to read.
Well sorry. Unlike Wiki's Danger, I'm continuing this.
I don't want you to discontinue this; I want you to improve your writing. That's the point of my critique.
Are you the king of grammar of somethin'?
 

User4042

Celestial Guide
Re: Wiki Adventure (Sign-Ups Closed)

Sorry for double posting, but I might put Blue in because I have Red and Leaf

EDIT: He'll make a cameo in Chapter 2.

EDIT: He'll be a villain. I'll change the logo.
 
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