Re: Suicide League (Superhero fan story) 6th chapter has been released
I'm going to combine the 5th and 6th together.
Review:
Chapter 5 just seemed to flow smoothly but the quality was bland until Goombella asked if they had dental care and the respond by Uniju just sparked that flame in my mind that made me laugh and think that this is definitively a silver age comic parody; the questioning scene supported this more.
Grammatical error in chapter 5 in the last scene: Really? You call you bank the bank?!"
The bank as the bank's name is rather funny and true to many motifs of silver age comics.
Chapter 5, you forgot to hit the enter key on these lines: Calm down Ultra Propeller Toad said putting his hand on Ultras shoulder. Goombella then proceeded to kick the robber in the skull. He whimpered for mercy within seconds.
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You think sorry is going to cut it you think thats going to change the fact that people like you are scum who torment and steal from good people to enrich your self no you deserve to be punished more Goombella said once again throwing the criminal into a wall.
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This has gone to far! Propeller Toad come on! We need to get him out of there! Swiper No Swiping! Ambush said teleporting away.
Although hanging on to the idea of silver age comics, Goombella's all caps rampage is a rather well played scene on hyperbole. Chapter 5 stopped on such short notice of a note which wrapped it up nicely.
These two chapters are littered with quotes that aren't separated into their own respectful line, make sure to clean that up.
Chapter 6 is partially spotted with missing commas so check that out. The first scene went a rhythm which did justice for it. The second scene has a great action scene and is really in tune to silver age comics.
This line: "The police arrived to arrest Goombella who awoke to find the police arresting her."
Sounds a bit redundant, but it may be my opinion.
There's a misspelling in the last line, you put in "are" instead of "our".
The third scene went by too quick and Ambush's love affection for Goombella was introduced just recently and too early that this idea will not properly sink into the mind of the reader which makes the scene go off at a wrong turn.
Overall, it was a drag, but those quick jolts of humor and silver age comic parody bump it out of bad waters.
5.3/7
