EXPERIMENT OVER ~Thanks for participating!~

The experiment is now over! I decided to see what would happen if I took the role of a young child writing a story. As you can see from reading this thread, never EVER let a younger child come here and write a story. Some will flame at you, and pay moderators to threaten you if you try to defend yourself. I'm going to work on my real story now. Just wanted to see how kind this forum would be to a young child. Thank you for the experiance!

STOKAL
based on a true life story

Part 1
By Nintendoobsessed

It was a normal recess, boring. That was, until this single line of kids came walking towards me. Thay were in age order and came up to me. Something was wrong. They looked like they were crontrolled by something. Um, hi. I said. The front girl stared at me. None of them said anything. I walked away, as I watched them from a distance. They just continued walking. Later that day, I talked with James, a sometimes friend, sometimes jerk. He didnt belive me though. At second recces, I stayed inside and went to the office. I was going to ask if they had seen anybody like that in thier files. Mrs. Ball told me to sit down. She then dissapeard in a office room. It was a long time before she returned. Finally, she came out. She grabbed me pulled me into the office, and tied me to a chair. You know too much., said Mrs. Ball glaring. She left the room. I struggled but I couldent get out of the chair. Though, I did manage to fall over. The floor was extremly cold. I got back up, and using extreme pressure, I smashed the chair apart. I would have to explore the office to find out what was going on. I opend a door. No one was there. I snuck in, and grabbed a random computer disk. I had to fid out was was going on. I walked out into the main office area. No one was there. I escaped out of the office, to the buses. There were a small number of kids on the bus. As the bus drove away, I could see a figure out on the playground. It was a kid. When I got home, I ran to my room, took out the disc, locked the door, and inserted the disk( after turning the computer on). A image of a room appeard. A small chair, and a ruby sat on the chair. A terryfing face appeard. UNKnown figure it said. Report to MCP immediatly! What? I said getting scared. Connecting to Mother base it said. That was the school! I quickly turned off the computer.

To be continued...
 

Toad85

MarioKartRPG
Re: A great story

Do you have a Userpedia account? That would be a better place to publish it, and it'll probably get more publicity. I'm not trying to discourage you or anything, I'm just saying.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Re: A great story

One, it's kind of vain to say that your own story is great before you get positive reviews.
Two, how is this Mario/User related?
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Re: A great story

Yoshiwalker said:
Because it's "Fan Creations". Not "Mario-related fiction".
Even so, this isn't really the right place to put it. Put it on www.fictionpress.com instead.
 
Re: A great story

STOKAL
based on a true life story

Part 2
By Nintendoobsessed

The bus drove off. I watched as it drove away, leaving me here. That teacher is waiting for me in there. I walked in the other door. I went across the gym. And there she was, looking out the door. I snuck by, put off my stuff, and hid in the bathroom. When I was sure she was gone, (it was 11:37) I walked to my classroom. Mr. Stevens barked at me. That recess, I went to the library, and grabbed The people of Sparks, which is a pleasent book I may add. As I was leaving, Ms. Ball came in! Ms. Ball nearly grabbed me, but tripped over the chair. I escaped and went to the office. I ran out the other way, and out the door. And...there were those kids! They saw me, and they ran at me! They threw thier backpacks at me! I ducked! They were just about to kill me when...Betty jumped out the window and killed them! She said Jonah was making a rude joke about her so she jumped out the window! Her eyes started glowing red! She was a computer! Oh crap! I ran to the forest and hid behind a tree. Betty jumped far into the forest, expecting I was still running. I ran, but Betty grabbed me and threw me into the lake.

James sighed. Mr. Stevens was howling about how I was missing. James left to go to the bathroom. James layed against the tiles, bored. BAM! A giant claw smashed out of the toliet, reaching for James. He jumped out of the way as it smashed the tiles. Then, a vapor lazer blocked the bathroom exit. Outside, James could hear marching. Outside, More then 70 kids were marching down the hallway. The claw grabbed James, and was pulling him back to the toliet. James struggled to get out out, but now it was impossible.

I got up weakly, Betty was coming back! She smashed into the water. Right before I heard: ACTIVAEING SUBMARINE MODE. All Soon, the waster was cold.

To be continued...
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Re: A great story

Should I ask a mod if it's okay to post this?
The description is: Unofficial artwork, comics, sprites, stories, games. Show off all your fanstuff in here! So maybe it's okay...

As for a review of this story, I don't like it. It's very confusing, doesn't have good grammar or spelling, and kind of unoriginal. I highly doubt this was "based on a true life story" unless it happened in a nightmare. "

"...using extreme pressure, I smashed the chair apart." Not very believable.

Did I mention this was confusing? You jump from one place to another. It's all written in one paragraph, which makes it hard to read. Overall, I don't think that this is "A great story."

Sorry about my rant...
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Re: A great story

Even so. If nintendoobsessed wants to write a story, he/she should publish it on www.fictionpress.com.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Re: A great story

Cinnamon Bun said:
no way this is a true story
He said it was based on a true life story. By which he means, once he actually went to school. Either that, or he had a dream about this.
 

Toad48

Dry Bowser
Re: A great story

Nabber said:
Cinnamon Bun said:
no way this is a true story
He said it was based on a true life story. By which he means, once he actually went to school. Either that, or he had a dream about this.
I'm pretty sure it was a dream because I don't think a claw would come out of a toilet
 

Mariomario64

Shine Sprite
Re: A great story

He said it was based off of a real-life story, so not every single detail could happen IRL.

Just saying.
 
Re: A great story

Nabber said:
Should I ask a mod if it's okay to post this?
The description is: Unofficial artwork, comics, sprites, stories, games. Show off all your fanstuff in here! So maybe it's okay...

As for a review of this story, I don't like it. It's very confusing, doesn't have good grammar or spelling, and kind of unoriginal. I highly doubt this was "based on a true life story" unless it happened in a nightmare. "

"...using extreme pressure, I smashed the chair apart." Not very believable.

Did I mention this was confusing? You jump from one place to another. It's all written in one paragraph, which makes it hard to read. Overall, I don't think that this is "A great story."

Sorry about my rant...
Jerk.


STOKAL
based on a true life story

Part 3
By Nintendoobsessed

Will, along with some other 69 kids, were marching down the hallway. It was a normal day until some robotish guards forced the kids into the hallway. One terrible looking one was leading them outside. When the kids were all outside, the scary one started to speak. YOu are all here. Good. "Sir.", said a guard. 2 are missing! I have already sent CLAW after that one. The other one is being taken care by BET-TEE.

I swam to the shore. But then, Betty grabbed me back into the water. She had turned into a giant robo-lake monster. I couldent do anything, except swim. The mouth lunged at me, but, I swam as fast as I had ever. I felt horrible. My leg was gone.

James couldent get out of the claws grasp. He grabbed hold of the flusher, and the claw was swept way. He was wet, but okey. He collapsed to the cold floor. He was hungry. Very hungry. He noted that that laser blocked his path. He sighed falling to the ground.

Will watched, waiting. "I am Commander Computer", said the giant, scary one. All of you will be my slaves, to take crontrol over the world for the MCP. "Shut up ugly!", said Jonah. He was having a bad day. He had lost his money. "You will be first", said Commander Computer. He grabbed him with brute force. "YOU WONT HURT MY FRIEND"!, yelled Dean; who jumped on the metal beast. It stumbed, but kicked Dean brutally killing him. But Jonah got away escaping into the forest.

I escaped out of the lake and escaped to a rock, right to the playground. Its safe...at the playground. How wrong I was. Jonah came running to here. "HOW DID YOU GET HERE"?, he said. I...robot...Ms.Ball.... Nerver mind, theres this Comm-SMASH! Betty was back. She picked up a tree, and...

Far away, robot kid pieces were forming back together...

To be continued...
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Re: A great story

Nintendoobsessed said:
Nabber said:
Should I ask a mod if it's okay to post this?
The description is: Unofficial artwork, comics, sprites, stories, games. Show off all your fanstuff in here! So maybe it's okay...

As for a review of this story, I don't like it. It's very confusing, doesn't have good grammar or spelling, and kind of unoriginal. I highly doubt this was "based on a true life story" unless it happened in a nightmare. "

"...using extreme pressure, I smashed the chair apart." Not very believable.

Did I mention this was confusing? You jump from one place to another. It's all written in one paragraph, which makes it hard to read. Overall, I don't think that this is "A great story."

Sorry about my rant...
Jerk.


STOKAL
based on a true life story

Part 3
By Nintendoobsessed

Will, along with some other 69 kids, were marching down the hallway. It was a normal day until some robotish guards forced the kids into the hallway. One terrible looking one was leading them outside. When the kids were all outside, the scary one started to speak. YOu are all here. Good. "Sir.", said a guard. 2 are missing! I have already sent CLAW after that one. The other one is being taken care by BET-TEE.

I swam to the shore. But then, Betty grabbed me back into the water. She had turned into a giant robo-lake monster. I couldent do anything, except swim. The mouth lunged at me, but, I swam as fast as I had ever. I felt horrible. My leg was gone.

James couldent get out of the claws grasp. He grabbed hold of the flusher, and the claw was swept way. He was wet, but okey. He collapsed to the cold floor. He was hungry. Very hungry. He noted that that laser blocked his path. He sighed falling to the ground.

Will watched, waiting. "I am Commander Computer", said the giant, scary one. All of you will be my slaves, to take crontrol over the world for the MCP. "Shut up ugly!", said Jonah. He was having a bad day. He had lost his money. "You will be first", said Commander Computer. He grabbed him with brute force. "YOU WONT HURT MY FRIEND"!, yelled Dean; who jumped on the metal beast. It stumbed, but kicked Dean brutally killing him. But Jonah got away escaping into the forest.

I escaped out of the lake and escaped to a rock, right to the playground. Its safe...at the playground. How wrong I was. Jonah came running to here. "HOW DID YOU GET HERE"?, he said. I...robot...Ms.Ball.... Nerver mind, theres this Comm-SMASH! Betty was back. She picked up a tree, and...

Far away, robot kid pieces were forming back together...

To be continued...
Giving a review is not being a jerk. If you don't want it to be criticized, don't post it on the internet. I think that's fair.
 

Dr. Javelin

Nathan Latsk
Re: A great story

Hey, look, some people we don't know just died. How terrible.

1. How is this Mario-related and
2. Why are you posting this?
 
Re: A great story

SkywardSwordLink said:
Sorry but this is not mario related
Mario will be in the next chapter.


Part 4
By Nintendoobsessed

And...Betty triped. The tree crushed her. Um... said Jonah.

James moaned. It had been 2 hours. He stood up. The laser was still there. BAM! The claw exploded out of the toliet... again. No... moaned James.

Hmm, I will send the first person I check after him", said Comamander Computer. Now,... he grabbed a 3rd grader and inserted a chip. He buzzed and stood still. "Go after Jonah 1", the Commander said. Instantly, It ran towards the forest to a unknown fate. Then, he grabbed another, and another. Until he got to Ryan. You will be of good use for Superior. What? He said. Then Commander computer grabbed the rest. He then grabbed Ryan, and enterd the school.

Jonah had explained what had happend. The computers there taking over... I said. So, said Jonah, we have to get to the computer room? Yes, I said. We must go now. But as we started, a 3rd grader jumped on me and was Adult content! I kicked him and ran. The computer Jonah mentioned...was gone. We hurried into the school. Up near the office area, I saw Commander Computer. I hurried to the computer room. No guards I though. Odd. I finally got to the computer room (with Jonah). I got in and swore. Inside was a giant screen with a horrible face. MCP. I mutterd. You got...this far. he said. So, your the MCP? Yes. With this discration, I jumped and kicked it. Not a dent. Naughty,Naughty!, it said using robot arms sticking out its side to grab me. Goodbye it said dropping me into a hole. Jonahs face got smaller and smaller.

To be continued...
 

Dr. Javelin

Nathan Latsk
Re: A great story

Okay I honestly didn't want to say this, but I feel it's necessary..

This looks like one of my train-of-consciousness fanfics from fifth grade, where basically I just spewed random crap onto a paper that basically included my main character and whatever I felt like writing at the moment.

Fifth grade.

And mine was actually comprehensible.

No offense but what are you trying to accomplish with this?

And if you want to at least make it readable, put some quotation marks in there or something.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Re: A great story

Dr. Javelin said:
Okay I honestly didn't want to say this, but I feel it's necessary..

This looks like one of my train-of-consciousness fanfics from fifth grade, where basically I just spewed random crap onto a paper that basically included my main character and whatever I felt like writing at the moment.

Fifth grade.

And mine was actually comprehensible.

No offense but what are you trying to accomplish with this?

And if you want to at least make it readable, put some quotation marks in there or something.
This. I hate to be this critical, but I couldn't understand one thing this story is saying. The plot is too confusing for the first few chapters, and (an early grammar lesson): Put quotations around speech!
 

EctoBiologist

Best cat themed touhou. I love touhou and DR.
Banned User
Re: A great story

I don't want to insult you...

BUT THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF GREAT.

IT'S BAD.
 
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