Post-Apocalypse: The Adventure

Pokémon Trainer Nate said:
EDIT: i made a logo for it (kinda)

PA-logo.png
I have official sprites.
 
I'm not on there.
 
I honestly think you're not gonna put me in the story.
 
*stops nagging*
 
Chapter 1:

Right off the bat, without reading, I have to say, you need to break up your paragraphs into smaller chunks. These clumps are overwhelming, I suggest to break it up when dialogue appears. From reading the first few lines, inconsistent flow. Within the flow, the scenes are way too quick with no articulated description, example: "This happen, so we did this, and we then continued."

And that scene with Neptune, WHAT THE *bleep*, seriously like if it was nothing, if this is how the corrupted characters are going to be treated as then it was a waste of your time to ask for sign-ups. That paragraph with Stargate (grammar error in the first sentence and also, random character appearance = not good), what just happened? Seriously, I just got lost in that paragraph. At one point it says that he (or she?) died, and at another point it suggest he/she ran away. Also keep the gender the same for Typhlosion, at one point the pokemon is referred as an "it" and another time it is referred to as a "he", keep to a defined gender. There's not too many, but I found a few spelling errors and typos.

Here are the individual problems I found in Chapter 1:

"Typhlosion attacked the deer, impaling its heart with his claw, and blood poured everywhere."

...what... the.. *bleep*!?!? This is way too random. You can't just have characters go into random "personality spurts" - unless they have some sort of mental illness (like bipolar disorder), but I don't find any evidence of that. It is really way too random and reason is that you are already deep into the story and nobody seems to be shock of Typhlosion's action as if it is normal but nobody told the reader it is and plainly offends the reader.

"...said Red, who was practically attacking the venison with his mouth."

Not a really good professional way of description, it's rather awkward.

LTQ appearing as a ghost and you don't freak out at all is completely irritating to the reader because you don't let them in on the appropriate info and now they're going to be distracted by baffling questions about the scene.

Red replied, still gazing at the stars. "They're the one of the only beautiful things left to see on this planet,"

Grammatical error and logical fallacy.

"Although I never just thought of them as balls of burning gas, billions of miles away. I thought of constellations and ones I could make up, like Constelmontage, the constellation of Porple. After the meteor, I thought of them as the shining spirits of all my deceased friends. WenI read that scroll, I still think of them as my friends' spirits, but now I think of them as reminders of what can come back if I find the Crystal Arrows."

What? Doesn't make any sense.

"SuperMario... er... Link, pack up the shelter. Typhlosion, get ready. I feel a battle is going to start," Red announced. As SuperMario25 packed up the shelter, Red grabbed his dagger, Κόπτων, which is "slasher" in Greek. Red was always facinated with the ancient Greeks and Romans, so he named his dagger in Greek.

Completely random, how does Red knows there's going to be a battle? Also the part with the Greek words on the dagger is yet again random and confusing. I would suggest to combine that and the next sentence and reorder the information in order for it to flow a bit better.

Toad85 was obsessed with taking over the world, and wanted to establish his own dictatorship.

How do you know that? This is rather a head-scratcher.

Red ran at Toad85, and Toad85 shot him in the left shoulder, gushing blood.

A dangling participant, who or what is gushing blood?

Tunnel of Confusion ... it was a confusing maze of cobweb-covered rock, with a roof.

1. Grammatical error.

2. Unnecessary, it's a tunnel, obviously it's going to have a "roof".

The only source of light was the reflection of SuperMario25's dagger, as Typhlosion didn't want to accidentally light the cobwebs on fire, roasting the trio to death.

Run-on, two completely different ideas. What's being reflected off of SM25's dagger? And that one part about "...roasting the trio to death." sounds like it already happened.

The stone path was weak in an area, with a hollow area beneath.

Don't repeat "area" twice, it's awkward and maybe even confusing for some readers.

Typhlosion jumped down, grabbed Red, and grabbed the ledge at the top of the hole. He swung Red up to the ground by SuperMario25, and pulled himself up.

What? This sentence makes it sound like this hole is shallower than Typhlosion's height.

This gave Red an opening, so Red stabbed Neptune in the back of his head, dissolving Neptune into black sand.

Where did Neptune come from? He died earlier; we, the readers, read that he dissolved into sand. Can he regenerate, can he multiply, make duplicates of himself, is he being revived by someone else? The worst part about this is that the gang doesn't react when they see Neptune, react along the lines of "We already killed him! Why or how is he here and alive?!"

Now to the second part, when a character fights another character or group, keep the level of difficulty the same or turn it up a notch, but NEVER turn it down unless for a special reason why. When Neptune attacked, he seemed a bit more difficult than last time, that is totally reasonable maybe he knows what to do now or maybe he has some sort of advantage, but after he took down SM25 and Typhlosion, Red did something simple and killed him like if it was nothing which is rather irritating.

Typhlosion picked up SuperMario25, and Red read the map and reached the exit.

This sentence makes it sound like that Red looked at the map and exited the maze, leaving the others behind.

They had reached the Mountains of Endlessness. Their journey was far from over, though.

Well no duh :P , don't offend the reader, they're just barely on the first chapter, it's common sense; let them assume that.

The Mountains of Endlessness expanded farther than any mountain range in the world. It could take years to reach the other side.

This here is a bad move. Besides the dumb name, don't over-exaggerate obstacles in the story where the possibility of the journey and the capability of the protagonist in the journey ratio is way off. Just try to stay away from the exaggerated for your story unless you truly believe it will benefit the story.

Overall, Yoshiwaker is right, "...it [is] kinda boring and random and even though you tried to have some sorta-intense parts, there was no emotion at all."
And the reasons why it is like that are all those explanations I made above ^

I thank you for reading my review and I hope you are able to put your emotions aside and understand why I am being so nitpicky and understand where I believe improvement can be done so you can do better in making the next chapter, or in revisions.

But for now, Chapter 1:

1.6/7

On a different subject, I don't see my name added to the list, am I in or not?
Also, if you need help making this story, I suggest to go read my post-apocalyptic story, Extinction: Rise of the Mutants, and see if you can get tips off of that, but read only up to Chapter 4 because I am currently revising the chapters after that one.
 
This place turned into a ghost town, is anybody there? PTR, when will the next chapter be out? On other thoughts, did anybody else mentioned how the title is a bit bleh, borderlining on terrible, ...no? It's just me? Oh well...
 
Dalque said:
This place turned into a ghost town, is anybody there? PTR, when will the next chapter be out? On other thoughts, did anybody else mentioned how the title is a bit bleh, borderlining on terrible, ...no? It's just me? Oh well...
The story is kind of on unannounced hiatus
 
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