IceShadow1199 attempts a story

IceShadow1199

NOPE, THE PARASOL ISN'T A KIRBY IDEA I SWEAR
Banned User
Mods, please move this if the wrong place.

So, this story is based on Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Sky, Time, Darkness.

Prologue:
It was a morning day, a ghost named IceShadow decided to go for a walk in his town. On the middle of his walk, he found a map, the map had the location of the Super Mario Boards forum. IceShadow thought it'd be fun to join the forum. After a long walk, IceShadow found the forum, near the entrance, there was a little manhole cover with holes on it. IceShadow was curious about the cover and standed over it. After that, he heard voices coming from the cover, the voice said:

"Um, what's this?"


Later a loud voice asked:

"What's the MATTER!!!???"

-"I don't see any footprints at all, I can only something light-blue colored in the cover!" Responded the other voice.

-"So, you're saying there's a GHOST over the cover?!!!" Asked the loud voice.

-"I don't think so, it might be something else that floats!" Responded the other voice in fear.

Nine seconds later, the loud voice yelled:

"STRANGER, YOU MAY ENTER!"

The gate to the forums opened after that yell, IceShadow went through the gate and everyone on the forums were surprised.

-"Is that... a Boo?" Queen Boo said.

-"Maybe, but his eyes are large and he wears a strange hat!" Answered Magikrazy.

-"What are you doing here ghost? Scram!" Said Nabber.

All of them were looking at IceShadow, he hid behind his arms due to his shyness.

-"I think he or she just wants to join the forum, not to harm anyone..." said Queen Boo.

A moderator walked in by and said:

"What's going on here?"

-"Thrackerzod, there's a ghost over there, we don't know what he wants." Says Magikrazy.

Thrackerzod rubbed his eyes and gave a stern look at IceShadow.

"What is your business here, ghost?" Said Thrackerzod.

-"I just wanted to join the forum, it looks very exciting! Can I join, please?" Said IceShadow in overexcitement.

-"Alright then, follow me" Said Thrackerzod as he was walking away.

IceShadow followed Thrackerzod to the forum's creator's office.

"Who is this ghostly guest you have here, Thrackerzod?" Said Porplemontage.

-"That's right, I haven't asked his name yet... So what is your name ghost?" said Thrackerzod.

-"I'm IceShadow" Answered the ghost.

-"This ghost, IceShadow wants to join the forum. He looks pretty excited though." Said Thrackerzod.

Porplemontage wrote IceShadow's name on his list of joined forum members and took his camera out.

"Alright IceShadow, can you stand on that wall over there?" asked Porplemontage, pointing one of the walls.

IceShadow stood on the wall Porple was pointing at.

"Alright! Say "Wario is awesome!" Said Porple preparing to take IceShadow's photo.

-"Wario is awesome!" says IceShadow giving a thumbs up.

So, Porple glued IceShadow's photo on the "Forum Members" list.

"Alright IceShadow, you are now a member of the forums. Enjoy your stay here, and be sure to go to read the list of rules on Wayoshi's room. Wayoshi's room has a green colored door." Said Porple with a big smile on his face.

-"Take this badge so others know you are a forum member" Porple gave IceShadow a red egg-shaped badge. IceShadow walked out of Porple's office and went to Wayoshi's room to read the rules.

"Okay, you are a new member if I'm not mistaken?" Said Wayoshi.

-"Yes! I'm IceShadow! I want to read the rules so I don't brake one :(" Says IceShadow.

-"They are over here... " Said Wayoshi pointing to the list of rules.

After reading all the rules, IceShadow walked out of Wayoshi's room and greeted out the other forum members. An hour later, Thrackerzod ran after IceShadow and said:

"IceShadow! There's something I completely forgot!"

After that, Thrackerzod took IceShadow to a reserved room.

"Here it is. A room for you... Well, you'll live here while you work for us... So, yeah..."

IceShadow had some fun with others in this forum until nighttime.

This is the end of this part, Part 2 will be coming later.
 

IceShadow1199

NOPE, THE PARASOL ISN'T A KIRBY IDEA I SWEAR
Banned User
Herpty Derpty, I even said in the first post in that thread.

By the way, I forgot when Queen Boo joined. I'm too lazy to check everyone's profiles at once.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
don't you think you should ask people whether they want to be in a story before you put them in? Especially if it's half of the people in the forum?

Please take me out of this story.
 

IceShadow1199

NOPE, THE PARASOL ISN'T A KIRBY IDEA I SWEAR
Banned User
You're right, I should have asked them...
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Okay, I've decided to review this story. And from what I've read, it's bad. Let me point out why.

Of course, there are the multiple grammatical errors that plague the story, but I don't need to point out every one. Except for standed. That bugs me. The past tense of "stand" is "stood".

You begin with "It was a morning day..." which makes absolutely no sense. What is a morning day?

You then proceed to say what you are doing with absolutely no description at all, making it quite hard to understand what's happening. Again, lack of description: you say that someone said something "later", but with no description about how much later. Minutes? Hours? Days? Years? Eons?

You then seem to switch on and off using bullet points for dialogue, and I'm not really sure why you're doing this. It just makes everything more confusing.

Then you describe the opening to the forums as a gate, whereas before you hinted that it was a manhole cover. Or was she just standing on it, and there was just a gate that you never told us about? Either way, it's a problem.

Ah, you get to the numerous people you didn't ask for permission to use in your story. First of all, you should use their actual names, not their display names. So Queen Boo is really MarioBros2. And why is Queen Boo afraid of a ghost like her? Or is she not actually a ghost, and you just never told us because there were no character descriptions at all and for all I care they could be elephants or potatoes?

You also keep switching from past tense to present tense. Don't do that.

Also, still no description. It's getting really annoying.

And people don't use emoticons when they talk. That would be weird. If you want to say that you're sad, write, "IceShadow would be quite upset if he broke the rules."

And then abrupt ending. Not really much to talk about here other than that. So, to rate this on a scale of 1-10, I'd give this a 3.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Boidoh said:
I'd give it a 7/10... It would be higher if certain users were in there.. hint.
So you're docking three points because you're not in the story?
 

IceShadow1199

NOPE, THE PARASOL ISN'T A KIRBY IDEA I SWEAR
Banned User
Boidoh said:
I'd give it a 7/10... It would be higher if certain users were in there.. hint.
Um, thanks. But you should be worried about the grammar errors. I can't get my grammar correct when making a story.
 

Soundless Voice

Star Spirit
Banned User
Yay! You put my name!


Also, I don't mind the grammar. Everyone makes mistakes!

I give it 10/10!
 

Magikrazy

Donkey Kong
Queen Boo said:
Yay! You put my name!


Also, I don't mind the grammar. Everyone makes mistakes!

I give it 10/10!
You're not bugged by you being there when he joined, despite the fact that you joined after him?

I give the story a 6.5/10.
 

Soundless Voice

Star Spirit
Banned User
Magikrazy said:
Queen Boo said:
Yay! You put my name!


Also, I don't mind the grammar. Everyone makes mistakes!

I give it 10/10!
You're not bugged by you being there when he joined, despite the fact that you joined after him?

I give the story a 6.5/10.
I never knew that. I thought he joined after. Aw well, I'm not bugged by it. I like it.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
I'd more be bugged by the fact that he used you as a character without your permission.
 

Soundless Voice

Star Spirit
Banned User
Nabber said:
I'd more be bugged by the fact that he used you as a character without your permission.
I'm fine most of the time as long as its not my real name (too uncommon)
 

Magikrazy

Donkey Kong
Nabber said:
So Queen Boo is really MarioBros2.
Justified, since everyone calls her Queen Boo, and she hates that old name of hers.

However, calling '3K "Thrackerzod" has no excuse.
 

Dr. Javelin

Nathan Latsk
3/10.

I really don't feel like wasting my time writing a review that you'll likely ignore, as you did Nabber's.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
Magikrazy said:
Nabber said:
So Queen Boo is really MarioBros2.
Justified, since everyone calls her Queen Boo, and she hates that old name of hers.

However, calling '3K "Thrackerzod" has no excuse.
Well she said she hated Lemmy Koopa Girl too, and she wanted to get a name change to Hermione Granger until she decided on Bellatrix instead. So I don't see any reason to validate "Queen Boo" as her official name.

Also I sure hope you don't do what Shoey did with his critics.
 
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