Canceled Story: Wiki's Danger

Was this story sucky?

  • Total voters
    10
Re: Wiki's Danger


yuno.jpg


I made dat. :eekdance:
 
Re: Wiki's Danger

just copy and paste...
and open google docs.
 
Re: Wiki's Danger

If I could change my vote, I'd change it to really sucky now because of your post. :(
 
Re: Wiki's Danger

Rainbow Dash said:
Your post convinced me my story sucks. :(
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I never said it sucked. I never read it. I just said that you should put time into it.
 
Re: Wiki's Danger

And if you will, at least resize the picture. It is way too large.
 
Re: Wiki's Danger

Okay, review time. I don't like to say this but the chapter was pretty bad. It was short, which is okay for the first chapter, but there was definitely room to write more.
This is a story about Mario & Luigi. It takes place in a far away world, in the Wiki World.
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For one thing, you should have a different name. Are we talking about Mario & Luigi the characters, or Mario & Luigi the users? And what about the other users? Why don't they get mentioned? It is also a pretty bad way to make a setting, simply saying "The story takes place in the Wiki World. Imagine it as you please."
One day, Mario & Luigi was walking and saw UltraMario.
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You just introduced two characters without giving any description of them at all, which would be okay if you built on them throughout the chapter, but you don't.
He was all panicky.
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Again, should have a description.
Mario & Luigi asked, "What's wrong, UltraMario?"
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Could be written better, but I'm not really going to complain on every bitty sentence.
UltraMario3000 told him that a virus was in the wiki.
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This should be told in dialogue. And what do you mean by virus? Computer virus? Virus as in sickness?
Mario & Luigi then said, "Let's team up and destory that virus!"
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Meh. (And you spelled destroy wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, though you should consider getting an editor.)
UltraMario3000 and Mario & Luigi went to stop the virus.
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Where are the pronouns? How did they get there? You should elaborate.
They saw a Kirby named FireKirby.
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What does the Kirby look like? What is he doing? Again, elaborate.
They fought for ten hours straight.
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But what did they do while they were fighting? Surely 10 hours of fighting should have at least one major event, something to be described.
FireKirby wouldn't give up the gem that could destroy the virus.
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What gem? And is FireKirby a villain? This is a bit hard to tell without dialogue or actions. And how could the gems destroy the virus?
At the last blow, FireKirby was destroyed, and a giant text box appeared in the sky.
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A text box? Are you trying to make this cliched? And how was he "destroyed"? Did he simply disappear, did he die, did he give up, did he get so damaged he couldn't continue?
It said, "You got the 1st Virocrystal!"
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How nice. What's a Vriocrystal?
Mario & Luigi and UltraMario3000 went on to Supremo78's castle.
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Why did we do that? We already have had a battle, yet we know nothing about any of the characters or their motives.
Mario & Luigi and UltraMario saw Supremo78.
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Well, it is his castle.
They fought until Supremo dropped.
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Again, boring fighting. What do you mean by "droppped"?
Supremo then said, "You are worthy to get this Mario Bros.!--"
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What is with the two dashes at the end of the sentence, and what do you mean, "worthy to get this"?
Mario & Luigi interuppted him. He said, "I am not Mario Bros.! anymore. I'm MARIO & LUIGI!!!!"
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The first sentence is broken, with two periods and an exclamation mark. And since when did he change his name? Why is he using so many exclamation marks?
Then Supremo78 gave them the Virocrystal.
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Why? Didn't he drop? Doesn't this mean he's dead?
A text box appeared in the sky, saying, "You got the 2nd Virocrystal!"
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Again, an unexplained text box - something straight out of video game - appears for no reason. There's no ending and you already used up two of your villains. There was so much opportunity in this chapter but you wasted all of it. I rate this a 2/10.
 
Re: Wiki's Danger

Rainbow Dash said:
First off, my name is Mario & Luigi. Second, I told you, it sucks.
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First off, I understand what your name is but you still need an introduction. Second, it can be improved.
 
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