P-132 | EPISODE FOUR IS OUT

How was the latest update?

  • Totally sick.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Really lame.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Eh. It was alright.

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Re: P-132 | Hiatus over! Tuck helps me write this now!

Contra(dictory) said:
does anyone still care about this

part of the reason this is never updated is because nobody seems to particularly care enough to give me feedback when I release an update
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i'm trying to follow, but i've mostly been trying to catch up on the prior iterations.

if they're not required reading, i'd be happy to skip ahead, follow the current plot, and provide feedback on that.
 
Re: P-132 | Uncertain status- should I keep writing?

Cheesy said:
Contra(dictory) said:
does anyone still care about this

part of the reason this is never updated is because nobody seems to particularly care enough to give me feedback when I release an update
Click to expand...

i'm trying to follow, but i've mostly been trying to catch up on the prior iterations.

if they're not required reading, i'd be happy to skip ahead, follow the current plot, and provide feedback on that.
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they aren't required reading at all, no
 
Re: P-132 | CHAPTER FIVE IS UP

Javelin said:
is there any way to write nalia other than "wants to kill tabuu"

i'm curious
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nalia doesn't know how to socialize or make friends

attempted murder is just his way of breaking the ice
 
Re: P-132 | CHAPTER FIVE IS UP

Was Nalia's middle name always Hector? Dunno if I'm just forgetting or if that's new... Anyway, always good to see him. And Javelin's appearing earlier than in the last version of the story, so that's good too, although that conversation's dialogue seemed a little forced tbh. Also, lighting rods attract lightning, not discharge it, so the "human lightning rod" metaphor or whatever wasn't perfect, but other than that, no complaints. Continuation is always preferable to a dead fic.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

You guys are gonna hate me for this one.

I changed a lot of formatting- no more chapters, things are longer episodes now.

Speaking of episodes, I released Episode 1.

Finally a Tabuu introduction sequence I don't utterly hate.

Please read, review and give me your feedback. Shit took some work, ya know?
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

Certainly different from past episode/chapter 1s (at first, anyway); the Royal Guard's getting more lip service early, too, so that's promising.

Nit picking: "you seemed rather eager to take that out of my hands." is awkward phrasing, and the "what changed?" should come after it's said Nalia's turned away to keep the narration linear (since the "Blinked." is when he started turning, I'm assuming, but it's much easier to follow up "I said, then paused." with him turning away, then the Q, then he pauses). Some of the later conversations seemed a bit forced too, but w/e. The pacing's good, and I didn't notice any typos n' things.

Also, as long as one parent has dark eyes and dark hair, it'd be quite possible to have very different-looking kids: just means there's recessive genes in the dark-haired/dark-eyed parent(s). It's when you have two blue-eyed blonde parents diving rise to a dark-eyed/dark-haired kid that you go "hmmmm". And body type is highly variable too (my mom's side of the family is all over the map, for example). Just so ya know.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

I released episode 2 as well, but if you read the original chapters 2 and 4 it's basically the same thing. Episodes 3 and onward will be completely new, though, and I've started work on them now.

Walkazo said:
*genetics stuff*
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walk pls
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

Still interesting like the first time around, but I feel like it'd be better if more time passed between Max meeting and agreeing to help the others trespass outside the valley - friendships can easily start over one shared experience, but they still need time to strengthen into something you'd willing to risk worldwide political stability over. Even Cobold blurting out how they lived outside the valley was pretty out of the blue. I.e. I'd just have the dance scene, and then say some time passed as they hung out more, and then Cecil's report scene and their request, at which point the narration would just say that they talked about it before from time to time and Max knew it was important to them - hence he's willing to do it.
 
Re: P-132 | EPISODE ONE IS OUT

Walkazo said:
Still interesting like the first time around, but I feel like it'd be better if more time passed between Max meeting and agreeing to help the others trespass outside the valley - friendships can easily start over one shared experience, but they still need time to strengthen into something you'd willing to risk worldwide political stability over. Even Cobold blurting out how they lived outside the valley was pretty out of the blue. I.e. I'd just have the dance scene, and then say some time passed as they hung out more, and then Cecil's report scene and their request, at which point the narration would just say that they talked about it before from time to time and Max knew it was important to them - hence he's willing to do it.
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