A Pokémon Mystery: Murder on the S.S. Pokémon

Yoshi K

Yoshi K

Come with me if you want cookies
I'm going to start a new mystery with a Pokémon theme. This is my first story so please give me feedback. Suggest Pokémon to be in the story. Nah, I got it covered.

I will give Chapter 1 soon.
 
Re: A Pokémon Mystery

I suggest you put Colbertmon in it. He's a three-armed bear with Stephen Colbert's face.
 
Re: A Pokémon Mystery

Nabber said:
I suggest you put Colbertmon in it. He's a three-armed bear with Stephen Colbert's face.
Click to expand...
I meant real Pokémon.
 
Re: A Pokémon Mystery

But that's such an awesome idea. Why would you not want to put it in your story?
 
Re: A Pokémon Mystery

First draft of Chapter 1! Give feedback!

Chapter 1: The Problem

I am Typhlosion, Pokémon detective. I was thinking... thinking about what my friend Croconaw had told me.
"Johto's in trouble, you need to get back" Croconaw had said.
The problem was, I was on vacation in Undella Town at the time, in a place called Unova, a region very far away from Johto.
"Are there any ways out of the region called Unova?" I asked.
"Well it seems there is a boat from Castelia City to Goldenrod."
"When does it leave?"
"Tommorow."
Here I am, in Castelia City, waiting for the boat called the S.S. Pokémon.
"Is something on your mind Typhlosion?"
That was my assistant Chikorita.
"Yes, you are good at noticing that, Chikorita, a key part of being successful in this business."
"Well, what is it?"
"I would prefer to leave that, to when the public is not surrounding us."
"Here comes the boat!" says a voice from the crowd.
The voice was correct, the S.S. Pokémon had arrived.
I don't know if it is just me, but there is a scent of suspicion in the air, as though a criminal was about to strike. A murderer, maybe. Yes, I do believe it is true. Someone suspicious is among us.
"All Aboard the S.S. Pokémon!"
So then, the passengers got on.
 
Re: A Pokémon Mystery

Typhlosion said:
First draft of Chapter 1! Give feedback!

Chapter 1: The Problem

I am Typhlosion, Pokémon detective. I was thinking... thinking about what my friend Croconaw had told me.
"Johto's in trouble, you need to get back" Croconaw had said.
The problem was, I was on vacation in Undella Town at the time, in a place called Unova, a region very far away from Johto.
"Are there any ways out of the region called Unova?" I asked.
"Well it seems there is a boat from Castelia City to Goldenrod."
"When does it leave?"
"Tommorow."
Here I am, in Castelia City, waiting for the boat called the S.S. Pokémon.
"Is something on your mind Typhlosion?"
That was my assistant Chikorita.
"Yes, you are good at noticing that, Chikorita, a key part of being successful in this business."
"Well, what is it?"
"I would prefer to leave that, to when the public is not surrounding us."
"Here comes the boat!" says a voice from the crowd.
The voice was correct, the S.S. Pokémon had arrived.
I don't know if it is just me, but there is a scent of suspicion in the air, as though a criminal was about to strike. A murderer, maybe. Yes, I do believe it is true. Someone suspicious is among us.
"All Aboard the S.S. Pokémon!"
So then, the passengers got on.
Click to expand...
Looks good. As far as I can see the grammar is good.
Maybe make it a bit longer?
Over all 9.9999999/10
 
Re: A Pokémon Mystery

Rin Kagamine said:
Typhlosion said:
First draft of Chapter 1! Give feedback!

Chapter 1: The Problem

I am Typhlosion, Pokémon detective. I was thinking... thinking about what my friend Croconaw had told me.
"Johto's in trouble, you need to get back" Croconaw had said.
The problem was, I was on vacation in Undella Town at the time, in a place called Unova, a region very far away from Johto.
"Are there any ways out of the region called Unova?" I asked.
"Well it seems there is a boat from Castelia City to Goldenrod."
"When does it leave?"
"Tommorow."
Here I am, in Castelia City, waiting for the boat called the S.S. Pokémon.
"Is something on your mind Typhlosion?"
That was my assistant Chikorita.
"Yes, you are good at noticing that, Chikorita, a key part of being successful in this business."
"Well, what is it?"
"I would prefer to leave that, to when the public is not surrounding us."
"Here comes the boat!" says a voice from the crowd.
The voice was correct, the S.S. Pokémon had arrived.
I don't know if it is just me, but there is a scent of suspicion in the air, as though a criminal was about to strike. A murderer, maybe. Yes, I do believe it is true. Someone suspicious is among us.
"All Aboard the S.S. Pokémon!"
So then, the passengers got on.
Click to expand...
Looks good. As far as I can see the grammar is good.
Maybe make it a bit longer?
Over all 9.9999999/10
Click to expand...
I thought it could be longer, it still is only a first draft.
 
Awesome try! But I think Chikorita should be a Bayleef instead. You can change her if you want.
 
Guys, quit with this stupidity. This is Fan Creations, not Mindless Junk. Go to Mindless Junk and put your stupidity here. I think this story is fine.

Be nice.