The Chaos Storm

Rocker64

~Massive Fangirl
Hey guys. I write stories and stuff for my own entertainment. And then you guys look at it and criticise it and stuff. Or compliment it. But the latter is unlikely since i suck. But yea, heres Part 1 of "The Chaos Storm"

Chapter 1: A Suspicous Awakening

I looked over at the clock, "Almost 3'o'clock. Damnit, where did the time go." I got out of my oddly extra comfy bed and looked around. It suddenly realized that i wasn't anywhere that looked like home. The place was lit only by candles, and there were chains and blood on the walls. The rug was a dark red, i silently hoped it wasn't blood as well.

I was frozen in place, afraid to move. I slowly got up and walked toward what i thought was a door. I reached for the knob, but my fingers couldn't find it. I looked down to notice that the knob had been ripped off, and that i was stuck in the room. I quickly fumbled around looking for a light switch, once i finally found one i switched it on. The light above me flickered a few times before brightening up the room. The light was hanging awfully low and was held by a few thin wires.

I took a better look at the room with the light now on. On one side i saw weird glasses filled with strange coloured liguids and organic looking objects i was afraid to touch. There was also a book with a padlock on a table at the end of the bed that i found strange. The cover was completely black, but the back showed an image of a mouth and two sharp teeth.
After i finished searching one side of the room i went to the more empty side. There was a desk over there. There were two draws connected to it. Both were locked, so i looked through the papers on top. I was almost finished sorting though old papers, mostly blank, when i found a broken mirror. I looked at it and sighed with relief. I looked good despite still having a scared look on my face. After i stopped admiring my face, i noticed i was wearing a red and black nightgown and winter hat even though, i was sure it was summer. I took off the hat and my long brown hair fell down to my shoulder.

Once i was done looking at myself, i suddenly remembered my situation. I quickly ran over to a window i had noticed earlier. It was completely covered in wooden boards. My first thought was that i could remove them. I looked around the room, and for some reason there was a crowbar by the door. It was a odd shade of green. I picked it up and took off one board. Just to realize the window behind the board was covered by some sort of iron plate. "Damnit!" I dropped the crowbar and laid back on the bed. "Well looks like there isn't a way out."

I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes trying to remember stuff before i suddenly appeard in the strange room, when the door creaks open.

A old, creaky, and uncomforting voice filled the room, "Ahh, Ashley it's so nice you could finally wake up...."

Yea. Unlike most stories round here, i most likely wound take signups or any of that crap. Just gonna post this story when i get bored. So yea, criticise please, i'm working to be better.

(Oh yea and don't worry about my freaking out about crits. I promise i will take them like a mature person.)
 

Time Turner

You are filled with determination. (R/GD/TT)
Well, the first I've noticed is the multiple grammatical and spelling errors, such as not capitalizing your I's, using run-on sentences, leaving out commas, and using "damnit" instead of "dammit". Other than that, you've got a decently solid story. There's an interesting premise, and you describe the room and its objects well enough, though you could spend your time a little more on certain details, to enrich the readers more.

I happen to be a writer too, but this is your show, so I won't talk about my stories, but I will mention that I've always like looking through published books while I'm writing. It's usually when I'm not sure about a certain grammatical rule, but even just scanning through a story you randomly picked from a bookshelf can inspire you for anything, from a tiny detail to an entire character to an idea to carry the plot.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
It's mediocre. There are a ton of grammatical errors, and it seems that no one ever taught you that "I" is always capitalized in the middle of the sentence. The story just feels cliched, and I don't really feel compelled to find out more. Come on, a person being kidnapped by some creepy guy living in a strange house?
 

Rocker64

~Massive Fangirl
Nabber said:
It's mediocre. There are a ton of grammatical errors, and it seems that no one ever taught you that "I" is always capitalized in the middle of the sentence. The story just feels cliched, and I don't really feel compelled to find out more. Come on, a person being kidnapped by some creepy guy living in a strange house?
You pretty much said what GD said more harshly with the cliche part on it.

Regarding the cliche, not everything is what it seems.

-Thanks for both of your input guys-
 
Top