Tabuu's Review Corner: I'm not an asshole over here!

[Contra(dictory)]

In the far off realm of Time lied an period of woe known as the Formation Era. It was truly a heartless plagued land that only held war and misery. Though in the present a wiki lies in peace, the ripples of past had struck it a few months prior.

Let me correct that for you.

In the far-off realm of time laid a period of woe known as the Formation Era. It was truly a heartless, plagued land that only held war and misery. Though in the present a wiki lies in peace, the ripples of the past had struck it a few months prior.

You know what, I'm just going to keep correcting everything I see.

In order to reverse the effects of the past, a group of users had set on a quest to find their solution. Over countless months and many horrific events, they were successful, conquering the darkness that held not only the present, but the past as well.

These are the same mistakes I've been bitching about for some time now: come on, man. You're older than me, I know you can do better than that. It's sloppy, so I'm going to pick everything apart- dissecting it, if you will. I'm not doing this to offend you or make you look bad: I'm showing you your mistakes and trying to help you fix them.

Porple- the creator of the present day Wiki- knew of the consequences of the actions done. Even though their realm was spared from chaotic destruction from his failures in the past, there were other things hidden about their actions.1
He knew that the time would come shortly, preparing himself for it to happen. With little haste, He had already make preparations for his fate. Judgment day was shortly arriving2, and he knew that nothing could prevent what was to come.

***

“Shall we intervene?” a mysterious person had asked. There was a long silence before another voice, much older, spoke.

“We must wait a little longer.” he said, staring into a screen. “Until we can finish our analysis of everything3, we cannot give the verdict. Many lives will be at stake, and one false move could completely rebound onto our shoulders.”

“Yes sir.” the other stated hurriedly. “I will inform the others about our plans as well. However, I will need a conclusive answer in the next few days, or we’ll set out by ourselves.”

The older voice man chuckled as he grinned.4 “We cannot make a mistake with what we have, but a few days’ time makes it sound as though I’m analyzing every inch of existence. 5Albeit, this place is quite…eventful than compared to some of the other places; nevertheless, it the analysis should be completed within a few hours. Once we are done, we can set out. If my calculations are correct, we should arrive at a perfect time.”

Though the younger voice man4 had heard what he said, he still felt uneasy. It wasn’t until the matured voice had asked, “You seem to hold much angst in another question.”

Thus6, the younger voice stated, “This place…its people; many of them have abilities that cannot be compared with the other places. There are some with such divine powers…it is almost unheard of.”

The older man sighed. “Yes, there are going to be some struggles with them, but nothing that we cannot maintain order with. Now, tell the others of the news; I will request your presence when everything is set.”

“Thank you, sir.” the other muttered, exiting the room. When the door closed behind him, another sigh was heard from the older man.

***

Meanwhile, in the realm which they seek, a annual festivity is prepping to begin is being prepared…7

1Needlessly wordy ≠ Good writer. Don't take that as an insult. Long, incredibly broken sentences aren't a good thing. They're annoying. I'm not saying you can't use big sentences, but keep it sensible, man.
2"Shorty arriving" sounds forced. Unnatural. Use "coming". Or, if you want to keep it wordy, "on the horizon". Don't try a poetic approach- you're writing a novel, not a poem.
3"Until we can finish our analysis of everything" also suffers from being unnecessarily long and stilted. Just do "Until we can finish our analysis"- sometimes, being wordy is good. Other times, it's tedious. Be wordy in your descriptions. Go Tolkien with that shit, if you're so inclined. But do not do this with dialogue. Nobody talks like that.
4Voices are not people. They can not do people things.
5His words did not extend for longer than four sentences. There was no need to start a new paragraph. Don't inject your story with a false sense of depth, mate. Nobody likes that.
6Come on. Am I reading something somebody wrote in Ancient Rome, or am I reading something on the Internet? I get the vibe you're going for, but you don't need archaic words to make your story seem mystical and stuff.
7Festivals aren't people either. Nonliving things- items, events or otherwise- can not do people things.

Work on your actual grammar and punctuation. Don't make your sentences needlessly long. Make your dialogue sound like things people actually say. Rehearse it with yourself, if you must. Don't have nonliving objects performing living-things. You get it.