Re: The Gems- Introduction is out!
OMP PORPLE DIED SHOCKING REVELATION
Okay, instead of giving you a score and not writing anything else, I'll give you a good fleshed out review. Starting out with a score:
7.5/10.
The story starts off with an implied setting, that being of NSM's house. You then seem to "rapidly" close the refrigerator door, which is a really bad word choice and makes me think that you have anger management problems and like to mash the door repeatedly against the wall.
Packy's introduction is nice, but you make a bit too big of an emphasis on his casual clothes when you don't actually say anything about the meeting he's going to. You also don't clarify on what he's doing at a meeting because as far as I remember he isn't currently in any groups on the Wiki and the story doesn't say he's in anything. There's also a few typos here and there, which does bug me, but it's generally a clean story.
A book? I thought to myself looking at the black shiny cover. And yet one titled The Gems.
Again, the word choice here is confusing. You say "And yet one" which just plain doesn't make sense in its context. In that same paragraph you continue to switch between calling these jewels (obviously inspired by Pokemon titles) "The Gems" and "the gems". Is it capitalized or not? And why can you fit the book in your pocket?
You then seem to cut to the mall, which confused me the first time reading because you said you would be at the mall
before the cut. So for all I know you're meeting up with your friends in Honduras.
Where should we go next? asked my friend Nabber while eating a chocolate bar. The Chocolate Corner was amazing!
Here you string together two completely separate phrases with no correlation or transition. Nabber raises the question of where to go next, but instead of suggesting anything, he randomly goes on to comment on chocolate. Not that he shouldn't, because chocolate is awesome. But it's not good to go off-topic, especially when a few lines later NSM replies to the question, making it seem like he brought it up out of nowhere.
enjoyed my friends. We always did this kind of stuff on the weekends.
Vague. What do you mean by "this kind of stuff"? It's confusing.
Again, there's no setting description. The reader can only assume that the characters are on the second floor because they want to go to the first floor, and we don't know where they are currently.
This one sent Nabber off the balcony plummeting to the first floor.
what balcony
Listen, Porple said in a weak, coughing voice. You need to get her. The wiki is in trouble
Her?
Okay, I'm going to stop here. I don't need to point out every single flaw. The point is, you need more detail and to elaborate more.
Also:
and a line of shopping karts.
Shopping karts: please fund this.
