CHAPTER ONE: MOTHERFUCKIN JESUS
One day Lucas was walkin' around bein all emo and stuff because his family was dead and all when HOLY SHIT PIGMASKS. They were all like "Hey dude we're gonna kill you now" and Lucas was like "No fuck you" but they were still gonna kill him.
All of a sudden though there was a flash of light and there was this guy with a nice kickass beard. The Pigmasks were all like "Okay dude we'll kill you too" but then they were like "AHH HOLY SHIT MY BLOOD FEELS LIKE WINE" and then they fell over, dead. Lucas was like "Who are you" and the guy was like "Son of God bitch" and then he put on some sunglasses and The Who started playing.
CHAPTER TWO: MOTHERFUCKIN JESUS (STILL)
Jesus and Lucas went back to Lucas's house and were plotting how to overthrow an evil dictatorship led by a time-traveling psychopath because there's really nothing to do in Tazmily village.
Jesus said "So what is going on here?" Lucas said "Well *spoiler alert* there's this army of Pigmasks led by Porky who stole a time machine back in 199X and then got tired of humanity so he wants to kill everyone. He killed my mom with a Drago and he enslaved my brother. He's an asshole and I want to kill him is the point." "Did you just say 'spoiler alert'?" "Yes I did."
Jesus: "So when are we gonna get this bastard?" Lucas: "Why do you want to kill him" Jesus: "So I can get back home to my own time." Lucas: "What do you mean?"
"Well..."
CHAPTER THREE: JESUS'S STORY
Jesus of Nazarath was walking around one day performing some miracle here and smiting some heathens there and generally being God's son when a flash of light overcame him. He was unconscious for what felt like forever but one day he awoke in a completely different world.
At first he tried using his god powers to bend space and time and go back to his home. When that didn't work, he tried prayer. After that failed, he tried talking to people. He discovered that he was in the year 2014, in suburban New York State. "What's a New York?" he asked. People shook their heads.
("Wait, what is a New York?" asked Lucas. Jesus slapped him in the head.)
Anyway Jesus wandered around New York for a while, discovering all that had changed. Apparently an evil prophet named Al Gore had predicted the end of times, but nobody believed him and nothing was done. When he realized people didn't care he made a giant tractor beam and dragged the sun up real close to the Earth.
He was quoted as saying "How's this for global warming bitches?" before descending to his underground lair.
"I know what I must do" said Jesus as he donned his signature sunglasses and ran off on his motorcycle. He voyaged for a year to Al Gore's lair, but when he got there he was ready to kick some ass. As he walked in the front door he was attacked by a giant freakin robot, but it was no match for Jesus's god powers. He turned the robot into Beer and drank it in front of an American flag before teleporting himself to Al Gore's lair.
"Hey motherfucker" he said as metal music drifted in from some unknown stereo system. It fuckin rocked.
Al Gore called in his army of ninjas which Jesus fought off in an awesome kung fu showdown. Finally after hours of metal and ninjas and a few pirates, it was down to just Al Gore and Jesus. Al Gore, pleading for his life, agreed to move the sun further away again. A bright flash of light enveloped Jesus as he disappeared from the world he had just saved.
CHAPTER FOUR: THE ONE WITH ZOMBIES
"...and as I whipped through one time after another, it seemed that I moved on every time I overthrew an evil dictator. I'm hoping that soon will be my jump home."
"Well what are we waiting for let's got kick some Pig King ass" said Lucas. "Not yet" said Jesus "that last jump seems to have sapped my powers."
"But the Pigmasks you just ki--" "SAPPED. MY. POWERS."
"Okay. Let's go level grind."
They spent the next few hours killing zombies for EXP.
CHAPTER FIVE: THE ONE THAT STILL HAS ZOMBIES
They're still level grinding.
CHAPTER SIX: EMPIRE PORK BUILDING
"Wow I hate level grinding. Do you have to do that often?" "You'd better believe it" Lucas replied.
Oh yeah they're in New Pork City now. Forgot to mention that.
"Come on up to the 100th floor" Porky said over the Empire Pork Building intercom system. "What an idiot" said Jesus.
Little did they know it was a nefarious trap.
CHAPTER SEVEN: I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT ALL THE BULLCRAP ON THE WAY UP
There's a lot of bullcrap on the way up. Porky is a dick.
CHAPTER EIGHT: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN
"We made it" said Lucas. "Man what a load of bullcrap" said Jesus. "Yeah I know" said Lucas "what was up with that?" "Well we made it at least."
"BWOHOHO" rang out a rediculous laugh. "Is that Vaati" asked Jesus. "Yeah" said Lucas "I'm playing Four Swords. I'm at the final boss."
CHAPTER NINE: The FINAL SHOWDOWN WITH PORKY
"Okay so are you done with Four Swords" asked Jesus. "Yup" said Lucas "all done."
"BWOHOHO" rang out a rediculous laugh.
"The fuck man, I though you were done." "I am, that's Porky."
"Hey Porky, your laugh sucks, go work on it" yelled Jesus.
Porky works on his laugh.
"Bwahahahahahahaha" he lets out a sinister laugh. Jesus flashes a thumbs up. Porky glares.
"I believe you know who I am. Lucas, Jesus, pleasure to meet you." "Pleasure." "Charmed, I'm sure."
"Anyway, you know who I am, but I don't believe you've met my good friend and ally. Come out here please." It was fuckin Hitler.
Jesus puts on his sunglasses and The Who starts playing again. "Let's do this."
CHAPTER TEN: the one with a lowercase title
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" shouted Hitler and Jesus. This would be a fight to go down through the ages if the ages weren't about to be cruelly cut short by Porky and his evil little world ending army.
Jesus threw a volley of punches, which Hitler coutered with ease. Hitler grabbed Jesus around the waist and did a sick piledriver. Jesus's sunglasses fell off and The Who stopped playing.
"Looks like I need to get serious here" said Jesus as he materialized a beer and drank it while nursing an injured bald eagle. "Damn he's good" said Lucas who was being all useless in the background.
Jesus finished his beer and the next second he was behind Hitler, pummeling his back and ripping out various vital organs. "DO YOU HAVE THE HEART TO DEAL WITH THIS" he bellowed as he pulled out Hitler's shriveled black heart. Lucas facepalmed at the awful pun.
After Hitler was finished off, Jesus turned to Porky. "Are you ready" he asked, but Porky was already gone.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PURSUIT
As they chased after Porky in their Ferraris that Jesus materialized out of awesomeness, they were rudely cut short by the Masked Man. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention him. He's kind of a thorn in their sides.
Anyway he sets down in front of them as they slam on the breaks. "Master Porky is waiting for you at the end of this tunnel."
"Why did you need to tell us that?" "So he would have more time to charge up his power." "Fuck."
CHAPTER TWELVE: ANOTHER FINAL BATTLE
Lucas and Jesus sped out of the tunnel and into this kickass arena. It was pretty cool. There was metal music playing and everything.
Porky was kneeling in the middle of the battlefield, surrounded by a golden aura. "Oh shit he's going Super Saiyan. DUCK!" yelled Jesus. But it was too late. Shrapnel started flying all over the place and it hit Lucas in the throat. As he lay dying on the ground, he whispered "avenge me" and then his eyes closed and he stopped breating.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Jesus wailed as he finished looting Lucas's pockets "You will pay for this Porky!"
Jesus launched himself at Porky and hits Porky right in the chest. Porky grunts as he launched a savage counterattack. Jesus takes a huge beating, but he shrugs it off as he puts his sunglasses back on. The Who mix perfectly with the metal blaring throughout the stadium and its magical. Jesus gets this intense look on his face as he launches thousands of punches at Porky. Porky absorbs them like some kind of violence sponge and kicks Jesus in the mouth. As Jesus spits a glob of blood out of the side of his mouth he whisperd a quiet prayer. He begins to glow as his body grows. As the light dies out Porky sees that Jesus has transformed into Godzilla.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: THIRTEEN IS AN UNLUCKY NUMBER
As Porky looks up at the foot coming down onto his head, the one word he is able to squeak out is "shit."
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE END
As the strange light envelopes the king of the Jews, he looks over the bloody, destroyed landscape and wonders when the violence will ever cease. He glances at the Porky splatter left on the floor, inside a gigantic dinosaur footprint. As he sees Lucas, a single teardrop falls down his cheek.
He takes one last glance around before disappearing forever from the world he has just saved, he sees the Masked Man pulling the final needle.
"OH FUCK M--"
