The Leafy Kingdom

~Prologue~

A lone figure was riding in a train. He was wearing a black cloak, and the shadow of the hood was covering all but his nose and mouth. He was sitting alone, and everyone on the seat behind him was whispering about him.

A white Yoshi from the very same seat was practically above him. He reached for the hood to take it off, and the lone figure grabbed his wrist to stop him. "Don't touch." the lone figure said. The white Yoshi sat back down in his seat and whined to his friends. The white Yoshi came back with his three friends. Another Yoshi, black this time, started cracking his fists. "You've got to learn some manners, stranger." the black Yoshi said, who was obviously the group leader.

The lone figure said, "You obviously don't know who I am. Go back to learning the alphabet, and then take some fight training." The Yoshi leader grabbed for the figure and replied, "Hey, do you think- Ow!" The black Yoshi was interupted by a twisted wrist from the figure. The figure then pushed the black Yoshi into an orange Yoshi. The white Yoshi and a cyan Yoshi looked at each other, and immediately sat back down after they decided they didn't want to engage the lone figure in a fight. The black and orange Yoshis looked at him, and did the same.

A rather pretty girl with long red hair and soft brown eyes looked at the Yoshis, and sat in the seat across from the figure. "You know, we've been chatting here on this train for the past three days, and I still haven`t gotten your name." she said. The lone figured remained silent after a while. That girl had been trying to bring up his name for the past three days, since they met. Should he tell her and get her off his case? "Josh." he finally replied.

The girl said, "Finally. I'm Autumn." Josh replied, "Princess Autumn? Of the Leafy Kingdom?" "That's right." Autumn said with optimism.
 

Nabber

Artisanal Cheese Taster
1. If he's a lone figure, how are their other people with him?
2. "'You've got some manners to learn.'" Manners? From someone who tried to randomly pull some random guy's hood back?
3. On a train for 3 days? What the heck?
4. "'That's right,' replied Autumn with optimism." What optimism is there to show???
5. There should only be 1 speaker per paragraph, not 2 or three people speaking in the same paragraph.
6. Ending is non-existent.

It's a shame, because this is mostly good writing.
 

QuizmoManiac

a rhinestone cowboy
Nabber Simpson said:
1. If he's a lone figure, how are their other people with him?
2. "'You've got some manners to learn.'" Manners? From someone who tried to randomly pull some random guy's hood back?
3. On a train for 3 days? Whaddahek?
4. "'That's right,' replied Autumn with optimism." What optimism is there to show???
5. There should only be 1 speaker per paragraph, not 2 or three people speaking in the same paragraph.
6. Ending is non-existent.

It's a shame, because this is mostly good writing.
Fixed
 
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