The Haunt (NEW)

[Toad48]

You..

hey OJ, did you go to the MUSA thread and see what I said?

 

[Toad Eightyfive]

You..

and???

I'm sorry, I don't really understand what you're trying to get across.

 

[Toad48]

You..

and???

I'm sorry, I don't really understand what you're trying to get across.

same here

 

[OJ Toad]

You said your wern't going to read it, Toad85

I will make the prologue longer, Jav

 

[Toad Eightyfive]

You said your wern't going to read it, Toad85

But I did read it. I even commented that it was very good before. When did I say that?

 

[Nabber]

It was okay... but it was pretty short. Tomorrow I will make a few minor edits...
And usually you do not make a chapter longer after you post it...

 

[OJ Toad]

Sorry, I thought it was too short and lengthened it.

 

[mollymoon4]

The prologue's good, but a bit short. Keep on going!

 

[Toad Eightyfive]

Sorry, I thought it was too short and lengthened it.

Double-edited.

 

[New Super Mario]

I give it an OK, only cause it's too short to really rate it

 

[Nabber]

Triple-edited.
It's still really short, but again, it's only a prologue.
One thing: in the beginning, you say, "OJ stepped onto the curb." But then later, you repeat, "He kept walking, until he came to the curb." This doesn't really make sense... and how did he get the paper in his hand? Is that ever explained? And how come OJ doesn't do anything about BaseballYoshi?
You also missed out on dialogue with UltraMario. You could have developed some relationship with him (I mean as a friend, not homosexually.) But instead, you just let him walk by.
I rated it OK. Not really good, but horrible, either.

 

[Mariorules25]

Villian

 

[Dr. Javelin]

You said your wern't going to read it, Toad85

I will make the prologue longer, Jav

Ah.

It's okay, I suppose. Still a bit short.