Mario versus FanFiction (lotsa images warning)

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-3 - Feels good to be out of Yold Town

Ew, what? No! Look I'm sorry I walked in on you and your business here, but that's just wrong, man.

Oh wait, it's just you.

This guy here is O'Chunks. His favorite food is chunky salsa, and he loves whiskey on the rocks, but only because of the ice cubes in it. Also, you can't tell from these pictures, but he has a pretty catchy theme song.

"You have his distinctive scent of facial moisturizer and burnt waffles on you."

"Chunkin' punks is me game!"

"An' together we count many things. Lookit me thumb an' index finger, tah-gether they make two! I'm his math tutor on the side, yer see!"

Ham sounds good about now. This desert has a way of making one pretty hungry.

Well aren't you a goddamn tease.

It's ok, pal. You can take your time. The plot isn't going anywhere.

Oh my god, stop mentioning food, I'm gonna call foul!

Well, he's trying to be a credible threat, and failing horribly, but she probably means his plan or something. Just to clarify before you answer.

Yeah, this is actually a pretty apt way of describing Bleck's plan.

Yes, giant turtle monsters marrying princesses is what I would describe as "order".

"Right yeh are, lad! He writes stories of dem bein' all cuddly an' den plays house with his lil' dolls in his closet an' all. So cute, innit?"

"'Specially now dat yer know aboot his doll 'abits!"

I don't know, I think Merlon is pretty terrifying.

"Well, I meant actual enemies, not... whatever your issue is with people."

Oh.

Yes, I need to know more about this guy. Like, what products is he using for his beard.

Actually, ask him that first.

And thus the beating of the ages begins.

Apologies for my terrible scottish accent impression.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-3 - Brawl of the Beards

Right. Time to dunk this chunk... uh... dump this chump!

"Mario, I've never told you this, but I am seriously into huge muscles, and this guy is totally ripped!"

"Really, they should have called him O'Hunks!"

"But not too much distance, I don't want to miss the show when he's flexing these guns."

"Make sure to give him a run for his money, Mario. I want to see the sweat glistening on his brow."

Right, so I'm gonna throw my snatchy hand at him and...

Throwey no! Don't grab him there, that's unsportsmanlike!

I just realized that his arms kind of make him look like a weird candelabra when he's upside down.

Ooops, I was a bit too rough. I separated his teeth from his mouth.

Oh well.

MARYOKEN!!!

Ow! He got me with his ramming attack while I was trying to take screenshots. Rude, man.

"I don't know, Mario. Wouldn't you want to deck someone in the face if they were obnoxiously taking selfies when it's not appropriate?"

Don't be a smartass, Tippi.

"By the way, I think I'm over my infatuation now."

Not now, Tippi.

"I mean, I realized his arms are kind of segmented and weird, so they only have like, half the mass that regular buff arms would have."

That's great, Tippi.

"Plus, I don't know if I am really ready for a relationship. Like, I don't know why, but for some reason the thought makes me shudder."

We can discuss this later, Tippi!

Yeah boy, I chunked you up good.

Don't feel too bad. Mario destroys punks like you all the time, and you didn't even explode into coins or an item, so count yourself lucky.

"Did yeh say 'count' jus' now, lad?"

...On second thought, maybe I should make you explode after all.

Aww, Tippi. That's so sweet.

I mean, I know you're just trying to gloss over the fact that you were totally swooning over this guy a moment ago, but I still appreciate it.

Also, I know it's tradition for people to mishear my name by now, but come on. That's really silly.

It's ok, Tippi. I know from experience that correcting them only makes them mispronounce it even more.

I mean, look at Throwey. I don't even remember his real name, but he hasn't said a word about it.

"Uh... can he even still talk? Is he... still alive?"

Huh... I wonder?

Nah, I already forgot. I get hit on the head too often.

...why are we in a desert again?

Don't hate on the diapers, man. There's not many opportunities for bathroom breaks in a 30 hour game.

Sure thing. Now go get the hell outta here before I "tie" you up and hang you from that tree behind me.

I'd... rather not. Thanks.

Nah man. Why don't you GROW a 'stache? Complete the look, y'know?

Uhm... what are you--

Well, I am not a doctor...

...except for when I am, but...

...that can't be healthy.

Oh come on, Tippi. His accent wasn't THAT bad.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-3 - Out of body experience

Ok, I found another one of these things.

So, I know this is apparently a universe in which you can hide something by putting it on the side of an object, because people are incapable of grasping the idea of 3D space existing. But the dimensional flip really is not a technique exclusive to the hero. As we have previously seen, common Goombas can learn the ability. A moronic guard can perform the ability without knowing it. Random people can apparently decorate walls of their houses that should be inaccessible to them.

This really is not an effective safeguard.

Whatever then. I like how this signpost looks when flipped. It's a nice touch because it looks like something relevant to later.

Also, I found this. Apparently I am a necromancer now? Let's hope my zombie minion will be smarter than that Zombie Shroom that chased me at the beginning of the level.

Then there are other versions of the weird butt monster.

This one farts ice apparently? That sounds terribly inconvenient. Like, imagine freezing your pants every time you let one rip.

But then I decided I ain't having any of that shit and dodged its blasts, Matrix-style.

Unfortunately, another Freezybutt snuck up on me and got me while I was dicking around in 3D space.

I believe a spanking is in order.

This area has a bunch of stone pillars in it.

Places with pillars like these are usually important.

Oh, I believe this is the blue platform I am supposed to percheth on.

So I stood on this damn thing and pressed buttons every which way, in 2D, in 3D, looking left, looking right, jumping on and off, to no avail. Eventually I passed out from exhaustion.

I had a strange dream in which someone else was controlling me. I was separated from my body and pulled miles, miles away, past the desert, past Flipside, past everything I have ever known. In the distance, I saw myself standing on a blue platform, pressing buttons. It was as if I was gazing into eternity.

The experience was so otherworldy, for a moment I glimpsed enlightenment, and it made me gain a new level.

When I woke up, I was back in my body again, and the end of the level was in front of me.

I hope the rest of my adventure will be less problematic. This game is already weird enough without out-of-body experiences.

See you in 1-4.

 

[RandomYoshi]

the worst thing is that you can't solve the equations in the background of chapters 1-1 and 1-2

it's awful

 

[Shy Guy Forever]

the out of bodly experiences are not over yet

the worst is yet to come

 

[Glitchy Bowser Jr.]

This whole thread is absolutely amazing. I'm loving this LP so far.

 

[LeftyGreenMario]

Geometric shapes.
"You're our last soap".
Farting butt enemies.

Indeed designed by 3 year olds.

 

[Ray Trace]

Geometric shapes.
"You're our last soap".
Farting butt enemies.

Indeed designed by 3 year olds.

O'Chunks also farts to fly around

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-4 - Ruins run

Geez, spoilers guys! You made it seem like there was this huge mystery of what I was going to encounter last part. Now I know it's a monster. This is just poor marketing here.

Really? What's it saying?

"Uh... Mostly just mumbling. I think it's doing a crossword puzzle."

Well, that's one way to occupy yourself if you're a macguffin stuck in some underground ruins for a couple centuries.

Oh, no, sorry. That didn't emanate from the sand, that emanated from me. That Super Mushroom from 1-3 is acting up.

Yes, game. I can make fart jokes too.

Anyway, Yold Ruins. This level actually looks better than the other ones, mostly because we are inside a man-made structure and thus the sharp angles and straight surfaces are actually fitting instead of distracting.

I found a Buzzy Beetle, busily scurrying around.

"But it tastes pretty good with cranberry sauce anyway."

Wow, how rude!

I must be rubbing off on Tippi. She's starting to get into the whole calling people out for their bullshit thing.

That's good. We may become buddies yet.

But anyway, Buzzy Beetles work pretty much like Koopas. You can kick their shells around and watch it rebound and hit you in the groin. Always a fun thing to do, by which I mean it never is.

Also, this place has Fire Bars. There's always Fire Bars.

Well, I guess on earth they built their structures with arches in the gothic era, we built our structures with Fire Bars in whatever time period every ruin and castle I have ever visited was built.

That's ok though, 'cause that just means I am that much better at dodging them.

I found a Life Shroom. Huh, guess they got less efficient since the last game. I probably won't just get away with filling my entire inventory with these and never buy anything else ever if they only restore 5 HP.

Starting to get flashbacks to Bowser's castle with all these Fire Bars.

I found a pair of doors, one of them being locked, the other hanging in the air. Unfortunately I have a condition that doesn't allow me to go through doors unless there's a foothold in front of them. It scares me.

So I start having a panic attack and flip out for a while, but then accidentally flip for real and discover a bunch of strange blocks.

A-ha! Problem solved. You don't scare me, you silly door!

Mama mia! That's one spiky meat-a-ball!

So it just uselessly rolls around all day and accomplishes nothing? Sounds like a politician.

Yeah, sounds like a plan. Let's all just ignore this thing and move on with our lives.

Yes, I kind of assumed it would work in Yold Ruins.

Wouldn't it be funny if at some point you found a key that's just randomly for a completely different dungeon?

No, probably not.

Putting keys into doors is really hard for me because I have this recurring nightmare where the keyhole suddenly grows to enormous proportions and then swallows me whole.

I think I might have an issue with doors in general...

Hello there, ceiling switch! And hello there, pigajig.

I think I know what to do here.

Mario-toss!

...backwards, somehow...?

Anyway, after expressing my gratitude for the help, I backtrack to check what happened.

This key was previously inaccessible.

Yoink!

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-4 - Solid craftsmanship

You know, after walking around in this place for a while...

...I have to say this level is actually not that bad.

There's a logical progression curve, and it makes you use all the skills you have previously learned to advance.

There's none of that "we're gonna make something look like a platforming challenge but really we just want you to flip and walk around it" fakeout garbage...

...no reading some hidden sign post to find out which buttons to arbitrarily press, or boring automated sections everywhere...

...or dealing with an annoying old man and his two dimwitted lackeys.

It's an ok level. Not great or memorable, but solid in its design and challenges.

Ooo... big red button!

AaaAh! Suddenly I'm being chased by emulation glitches!

Save me, big red button! Vanquish my enemies!

Eh, these emulation glitches are making me look silly. Under the carpet with them! Out of sight!

It's funny because previously I could not touch these things without taking damage, and now they are safe enough to walk on. Yup.

Oh noes, a puzzle. I have to hit these blocks in the correct order.

What, am I Professor Layton or something?

Luckily, someone wrote the correct solution onto the sides of the blocks, so it's not that hard to figure out. This puzzle is probably worth -2 Picarats.

Bam! Instant staircase!

Aaand the obligatory Save Block + recovery item in a box in front of an exit. I wonder what's gonna happen next? I sure hope it's not gonna be a monster of some sort, that would be ever so surprising.

 

[DragonFreak]

*eats the emulation glitches*

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: 1-4 - Jester's jape

Oh no! Am I back in 1-3 again? Koopa Krud!

"YOU ARE ERRONEUOSLY ASSUMING TO BE IN 1-3! CEASE THIS INCORRECT SEQUENCE OF THOUGHTS!"

Oh boy, teleport rectangles! Here we go!

Ouch! Does it hurt to have your body parts be teleported into the arena individually like that?

So, I'm aware these are supposed to be sand clouds, but those pixellated things look exactly like the visual effects of O'Chunks' rocket flatulence, so for all I know I just walked in on this dude while he's farting up a storm.

"WHY ARE YOU IN MY BATHROOM? YOU WEIRDO!"

Those are some impressively yellow teeth by the way. This is why you floss, man.

"GRITTY GRUNDERS DETECTED!"

Whoa, dude, personal space!

"LIKE YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT TO TALK!"

Level 5, huh? Do you per chance know what level Bestovius got?

"SEARCHING BESTOVIUS... MUSTACHE LOOKS LIKE HE APPLIED SHAVING CREAM AND THEN FORGOT TO REMOVE IT! GAUDY AND STUPID! LEVEL 0.2!"

Yeah, that's what I thought.

"ENGAGING IDENTIFICATOR RAY! PLEASE REMAIN STILL, OR I MAY ACCIDENTALLY DISINTEGRATE YOU!"

"YOU MAY WANT TO COVER YOUR VITAL ORGANS WITH LEAD COVERING NOW!"

But I don't have any--

"TOO LATE! SCAN ALREADY IN PROGRESS!"

Obligatory mention that his eyes turn into the Wii Shop Channel loading symbol during the scan.

You know, you would have known who I am right away if you bought any of my games. I'll have to hook you up later, can't ignore some poor fool who doesn't know Super Mario.

Huh... you apologized. That's... unpreccedented?

Like, wow, most people I've met so far have either been incredibly rude, creepy, annoying, or a combination of those things. It's nice to have a chat with someone who is actually pleasant for a change. Thanks, Fracktail.

Nah, you just need to get out more. Staying in a stupid environment working for some crappy ancients your whole life can't be good for you. We should hang out later. I know this great place in Toad Town that has like the best Funguccino ever.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. There was this old man who didn't let me pass unless I gave him a handjob, and some dumb blue platform that didn't work, and believe me, my time wasn't any more pleasant than yours.

"FAIR ENOUGH."

Like, I still can't believe it! There is a character in this game who is genuinely nice, funny, not annoying, and he actually looks ok. I mean he's got the SPM style thing going on, but he actually looks kind of cute in a derp-y sort of way. I would invite this guy over to my place and play video games with him. I'd have to feed him a Mini Mushroom first so he fits through the door, but acquiring mushrooms isn't really a problem for me.

In fact, Fracktail, are you the one I have been searching for?

Are you the character who makes all this tedious busywork worthwhile?

Are you the one likable character?

Are you...

...the friend?

"Silly Mario. We can't let you like a character THAT easily. That goes against everything we stand for!"

"GAY CLOWN DETECTED!"

Uhm... there's not really a crowd here so... I think you're confusing this with TTYD.

Ok, Dementio. If it pleases you enough to go away.

"Didn't you work at that pizza place once?"

"Just because I am dressed like a restaurant mascot doesn't mean I am one."

Look, I don't care. Can you just take the hint and go away already? I want to spend some quality time with my newest pal.

"Now, for my next magic trick, I will take this enjoyable character..."

"...and make it so you have to kill him!"

"But you've killed before, so what difference does it really make? After all, you're Super Mario, aren't you? Ah ha ha!"

Yeah. Ha ha. Very funny.

You're explaining the joke. Stop that.

You're not a very good clown, are you? That's probably why you threw in with Bleck, because you both fail at what you're supposed to accomplish.

Well, finally.

Oh shit! Fracktail's frack-totaled. But we can probably still fix this.

There aren't any keys on you to press, what do I do?

Ugh, why me. Luigi's better at this computer stuff than I am. He fixes all the appliances in our house.

Someone hand me the manual or something.

Oh my god, if the disc cover isn't closed, it's probably full of sand by now.

That can't be good.

Boot... boot... Super Boot helps me do the Spin Jump... no...

You're going TOO FAST! Slow down! I think I put this round disc thingy into you. Could you turn around and bend over?

No, don't melt! That's counter-productive! Abort melting! ALT + F4 melting!

I can't! The window's frozen!

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEND AN ERROR REPORT?"

No!

I-I'm sorry, I didn't know it was that important to you. I mean, you can send one if you reall want to.

Ugh, he doesn't like my level 5 mustache anymore.

Damn you, Dimentio!

"Oh yeah, maybe we SHOULD have just opened the task manager and aborted the process he's running right now."

Damn you, Tippi!

Damn you, gaaaaame!!!

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-4 - My sweetest friend

Well, if I can't fix the problem this way, I'll attempt a manual override instead.

Fracktail, would you please come out of the background? My 3D gauge is gonna crap out before I reach you back there.

Whoa, sudden belly flop. But thanks for listening, I guess.

I see London, I see France... wait, that doesn't even make sense.

He's coming right for us!

Ah crud, he thinks he's Pac Man! I AM NOT A PELLET YOU DINGUS!

Tippi, do you have a bedsheet or something? I can probably scare him off if I dress up as a ghost. Should have taken that damn rug Watchitt was yapping about.

Well, I'm just going to hitch a ride on your back, buddy. Hope you don't mind.

Don't mind me, I'm just a harmless little plumbermite.

Right, I'm on his head. Now what?

Oh right! I have an exposition fairy.

Good thing you told me that. I wouldn't have been able to guess from standing on his head.

Yeah Tippi, we're past that part now. Mind if you get to the point before I'm blown off by the wind, or he decides to do a barrel roll?

Uhh wait... I shouldn't give him any ideas. Good thing he doesn't seem to have ears.

Ok, gotcha.

That must be annoying. Imagine every time you try to hug someone, little bugs emerge from your body and attack them. No wonder he doesn't go out much.

It's ok, Fracktail. I'm sure they make a shampoo for that.

So this is pretty much just the puzzle with the switch on the ceiling again, except on a dragon flying at mach speed.

It's a good thing that a situation like this has no factors that could potentially throw off my aim, like very heavy wind resistance or something.

Oh my god, I hope Fracktail doesn't follow Futurama's logic of robot anatomy, otherwise this would be a pretty cruel way of taking him down.

Oh shit, looks like the game heard me trash-talking its physics and decided to up the ante. I'm suddenly being pushed back.

Boy, am I glad that there's no fall damage in this game. Otherwise I'd be fearing for my life now.

Jump off the tail...

...and land back on the head. Hi again.

Fracktail has only 9 HP, so after the ninth hit, the fight is over. The ancients, for all their wisdom and technological advancement, must have been using some pretty weak metal for their robots.

Well, you got zonked by a jester, roleplayed as Pac Man, and tried to kill me. Don't worry about it though, it wasn't nearly as bothersome than anything else I had to deal with so far.

It's not your fault. The game has a plan for all of us and we are but puppets dancing to its beat.

I'm sorry this is the plan it had for you.

I will, buddy. I will hunt down the one responsible for this and make him choke on his own prophecy.

I would like to point out that Fracktail, who has been described as a robot by Tippi, has organic ribs.

It suggests that he's not just a robot, but a cyborg. He's got organic parts and is most likely not just an automaton that the ancients built from scratch, but a biological dragon with cybernetic modifications.

So essentially, we just killed a benevolent living creature that got mindscrewed by a jester. That's kind of fucked up for a Mario game.

That Pure Heart better be worth it.

 

[Raiko Horikawa]

R.I.P. Fracktail, ????-2016

He was a likeable character

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Chapter 1-4 - Ancient failures

Apparently the ancients tied the mechanism that makes this door appear to the death of their guardian dragon.

Sadistic pricks.

This room is actually kind of pretty. Reminds me a bit of an Ayleid ruin.

Oh man, another one of these guys.

Ok. Give it here then. And then go away.

You know, you could just go outside and confirm that for yourself. Just look at the sky, realize "oh, purple glowy death hole", and done!

You guys sure love hearing yourself talk.

"Although we weren't advanced enough to not use really cheap metal for our guardians!"

Canker sores?

Advanced civilization, incredible technological and magical knowledge, can't get rid of a damn book.

Like, I get that it's probably a magical artifact and can't be disposed of by just throwing it into a fireplace, but you people are hailed as these unfathomable wellsprings of arcane knowledge. You can't tell me there is nothing you could have done about it.

Scary!

This is probably going to be something dumb that doesn't actually solve the problem, but only delays it enough so that a future generation will have to deal with this shit instead of you.

Yeah, sorry about that, but the antithesis of chaos is not love. Have you ever been in love? It's one of the most chaotic feelings a person is capable of feeling. Are you sure your civilization was really that advanced? Because I'm pretty sure I know more about this than you do, and I am just a middle-aged working man.

Ok, so you successfully created an artifact of equal power to the Dark Prognosticus...

...and then instead of using this equally powerful artifact to destroy the book and get rid of the problem RIGHT AWAY and PERMANENTLY, you instead broke up the great asset you just gave yourself, and THREW IT AWAY.

Do you have to try to be this incompetent? Or does it come natural to you people?

Also, can we talk about this "legendary hero" crap? Because you people have been riding my ass about it and it's honestly starting to wear thin already, in just the first chapter.

Back then in Paper Mario, I got involved in the whole hero thing because the villain was my rival, and I had a very clear reason to be involved. There was no idiotic prophecy that said that one day a vile turtle king will come and enslave the mushroom people, only to be bested by the plumber of legend. That would have been stupid.

In The Thousand-Year Door, there was also no prophecy of a legendary hero who was gonna rise and fix all the problems. I was just some random asshole who happened to be in the right place at the right time, and got involved with all these zany shenanigans and interesting characters. In fact, there was even a guy beneath Rogueport who made fun of the idea that this could all have been a huge prophecy.

And now I am here, and everyone is slapping me up the face with all this predestined hero nonsense. Like, what is this, Zelda? This predestined hero legend garbage is such a lazy and overplayed storytelling trope. You're just using this as an excuse to not have to think of an actual reason for me to be involved and care about any of this. You don't have to bother making any of these places charming or likable, or give me any sort of motivation to care, because it has already been written I will save the world and thus my personal investment is optional to you.

Like, even the Mario platformers have a better story than "everything is predestined and thus you must do it". At least in Super Mario Bros., I am doing all the shit to save someone I know and care about! There is a clear goal and a reason for me to bother! You're giving me NOTHING here, Merlumina!

"Also, I didn't listen to what you just said because I didn't say it, and thus it's not important."

Ugh... You can't be serious.

No, you're not doing this now.

I just had to murder my only friend in this godforsaken place of irritating characters. I'm not going to listen to your story of who you porked with and why.

If you knew anything about pacing or tone, you would understand this.

In fact, while I'm in the midst of blowing you off, let me tell you something else: Do you know why these prophecies keep coming true? It's because people believe in them. So if you write a prophecy about how some dark wizard or something is going to arise one day and destroy the world, it really is your own fault if that exact shit will happen later.

Because one day, there's gonna be some shmuck who had bad things happen in his life, and who just wants SOME form of validation. That same guy is gonna find the apocalyptic drivel you people left behind, think "Hey, what if the chosen one of this prophecy of ultimate distruction is ME?", and then he becomes the very villain you dreaded. And since it also includes instructions on how destroying the universe can be accomplished, he also knows exactly how to do everything you didn't want to happen.

Now what was inevitably going to happen has happened, and we're all going to die because you guys were bored some day and couldn't figure out anything else to do with your sorry existence than to write a fucking fanfic about how some guy is gonna destroy the world, and then left it lying around for that same guy to find.

Yeah, gonna take the macguffin now and fix all the problems you left behind for us. And I'm not gonna do it because of some garbage prophecy, but because my buddy asked me to. Have fun growing moldy in this ruin.

Super Mario out.

We're not doing the pose thing, Throwey. We're leaving.

"For real this time!"

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Intermission 1 - Zeroes on both sides

Meanwhile, back in New Jersey.

Yeah, I did. I'm going to do this to all of you if you keep this shit up.

Please send the clown next. I've got an extra-spirited stomping for him in store.

"I chunked up all me chunks after the lad beat me..."

Bleck, you're an asshat. You don't laugh at your pal when he's in dire need of medical attention.

Oh... Oh this is RICH!

We just learned from Merlumina that the ancients have read the Dark Prognosticus because she knew what was written on the last page.

Now we're learning that, after they broke up the Purity Heart, they hid the pieces in the exact locations outlined in the Dark Prognosticus itself, thereby ensuring the villain using it knows EXACTLY WHERE ALL THE PIECES ARE, and WHERE THE HERO WILL GO TO FIND THEM!

Ancients, what the crap!?!

This is probably just gonna be dangling a mushroom from a rope over a trap door or something.

Count Bleck is too snooty to come fight me himself, so he sends a little child instead. Ok.

Oh, you're pleased now? I kinda thought that was Dimentio's function, since he self-identified as a pleaser earlier.

Wait a minute, this line is strange. Is Bleck implying that Mimi's powers are not her own, and that he gave them to her?

Because that would make something that happens later pretty screwed up. My clairvoyance is kinda foggy on that, so we'll have to wait and see.

Yeah, we'll just see about that.

You stole that cape from Nightmare, you weenie. Get outta here!

"Someone clogged the toilet again."

"I'm not goin' teh unclog it this time, it's Dimentio's turn!"

Yeah, I gotta be honest: I wouldn't really want to work for someone like Bleck either. He lacks presence. Hell, you can't even convince people by hypnotizing them. You have to use super-hypnosis just to get anywhere.

This right here is something a lot of people tend to bring up. They say that Bleck is actually very benignant and a good boss to his minions, because he only inflicts very minor and harmless punishments upon them, like giving them a time-out. But I don't really buy that.

You see: Count Bleck really shouldn't need to punish his minions at all. Punishment is traditionally used to deal with insubordination. But that is not what happened here. O'Chunks did everything Bleck wanted him to do. He was just unable to succeed because of something out of his control (i.e. me being Super Mario and thus wasting his sorry ass). You don't shame a soldier for being unable to hold their ground against overwhelming force. It's just something that happens when your commanding officer is a twat and has no idea how to strategize properly.

So really, O'Chunks does not need to be punished. He's loyal and stuck to his orders to the letter. The fact that Count Bleck allows this punishment to happen anyway doesn't make him a good boss, it just makes him a dick.

As it should. You're being taken advantage of.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Intermission 1 - Princess and Private, part 1

"N... M...

Maybe if I get better at consonants it will make up for my vowel weakness. I'll beat that Bowser at Wheel of Fortune yet!"

"Did I pass out again? I need to ban mushrooms from my potluck dinner parties. Mario always brings the weirdest things."

"And he was really bad at it too. He didn't even compose a coherent narrative that explained our sudden attraction to each other, he just dumped us at the wedding and expected everyone to fill in the blanks for themselves. What a hack!"

"BLECK!"

"No, not you, you creep!"

"Unbleck "

I like how familiar Peach is with these guys.

"Well, you know, I'm wearing a helmet, but this guy? All bets are off."

"We didn't stick around for the reception because that Bleck guy didn't seem like he'd be a good host."

"Yeah, the food was gonna be terrible, I tell you."

"Bowser? Hmmm.... well, the name sounds familiar. Was he the skinny green man?"

Well sure, if you want to call his dirty work overalls a tux.

"Just because your overalls are always dirty doesn't mean mine have to be too, Mario."

Holy shit, Luigi? How are you talking to me? You're not even in this scene!

"Neither are you, bro."

Well shit.

"And for that matter, how did WE end up here? Did we all just happen to fall onto... uh... wherever this is?"

"Probably because we have this reputation of being extremely efficient and successful."

"Yaaay! You can be my partner and I'm going to launch you to places by pressing the button! It'll be just like old times!"

This guy right here.

More honor in his left thumb than Bleck has in his entire being.

"Try not to get completely destroyed out there."

Well that guy's certainly motivated.

And here we are, playing as the Princess for the first time in the game. But unlike her appearances in the first two games, she can actually jump this time.

"AARGH! Why did you jump on my head???"

"Sorry, force of habit!"

"Well someone here's a bossypants!"

 

[Ray Trace]

Hey, where did you get the custom font anyway? Just curious.

 

[Lin Beifong]

I've had this font for a couple years now, so I don't remember where I downloaded it, but it is called "Hey Gorgeous".

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Intermission 1 - Princess and Private, part 2

Believe me, I have realized this by now.

"Like, it's pretty awful at first, but after a while your sense of shame dies and you just sorta feel numb to it."

Johnson is a pretty odd name for a koopa. Then again it's also a pretty strange name for an X-naut, so what do I know.

Maybe "Johnson" isn't a name, but like, a military designation for someone who cleans the johns?

"Also, I heard that comment about cleaning johns. This info will come in handy for our clog situation."

Those poor sons of bitches.

"Mmhh... 10 o' clock is bad, I have a dentist appointment then."

"No prob', we'll just do it now then, 'K?"

"Drat!"

"...it's fuckin' Hammer Time!"

"Noted. I'll relay your message of 'Hyuuuuuurk!' momentarily"

As we have established, people of sufficiently strong will (like Peach in the prologue) are able to fight off Nastasia's hypnosis, if only for a while. And as we have seen earlier, Captain Hammer here is pretty disciplined and secure in his loyalties. So the fact that this worked on him right away is kind of strange.

Must suck to be a minor character, huh?

"Not really, I mean, my eyes are kinda inflamed now. Uh... is this going to be permanent?"

"We need those cuz no one wants to work for us voluntarily."

"Can I at least get some eye drops before I do that? I kind of have trouble seeing."

"Mom was right, I should have become a barber."

"It literally is Game Over! There are no extra lives in this!"

"Or maybe we could just open it?"

"That's what I meant. I'm like... I'm doing like a military thing here?"

"I mean, I'm a minor character just like the captain! What if I'm next???

Like, I'm really panicking here! Could you just hold me, gently brush my head and tell me it's going to be ok? Please? The captain always does when I'm scared."

I actually like the design of this place. It's simplistic, but also kinda cool-looking. Had they used the straight line gimmick a bit more sparingly throughout the game, this would have been a pretty neat unique environment.

"We can't possibly take them on. Bowser's army is invincible."

"But--"

"INVINCIBLE!!!"

"You're just dragging this out so you'll have company for a while longer, aren't you?"

"I'm only a creature of flesh and blood, ma'am. ._. "

 

[Anton]

Spoiler

This sounds like something I'd say.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Intermission 1 - Princess and Private, part 3

"Great, and I didn't even have to take my clothes off this time!"

"Uhm... what?"

"Nevermind."

"We could just jump off and float down? I have a parasol."

"But this is a feature-less void. There's no ground down there... ever."

"Maybe let's bake a cake. That always helps."

You know, I think Nastasia is more credible as a villain than Bleck. She's got a commanding presence, has the power to screw with your mind, and, with a bit of re-focusing, getting chased by her through an ominous black castle could have been made legitimately scary.

It's kind of sad her potential is wasted by her just being Bleck's secretary/walking resource.

"Aren't you also trained to beat Mario? I don't know if your training is all that reliable."

"...not the best time to undermine my confidence, lady."

Why are you wasting your time on the foot soldier? The princess should be your primary target. You have the army behind you to deal with her escort.

Does anyone here know how to stategize?

"Hey, why does he get shades, and I get to have pink eye? That's not fair!"

"Then again IDK why I am surprised, considering the entirety of Bowser's army survived the blast, including the Goombas who have only 1 HP."

"I should prolly STFU and convert you before any wacky shenanigans happen."

"I may get kidnapped at least 12 times a week, but goddamnit, even I have SOME standards!"

"Resistance makes me ROFLMAO, 'K?

Don't resist, the animators didn't program that animation in."

"RLLLLLY should do it RN, instead of just talking about it."

*wacky...*

*...shenanigans*

"I so hate it when surprises aren't scheduled properly."

Yeah, I mean it's not like Peach is one of the four heroes of the Light Prognosticus.

You know, one of the four legendary heroes destined to stop you.

There's totally no harm in letting someone like that roam freely.

 

[Lin Beifong]

Spoiler: Intermission 1 - If our love is tragedy

That's tragedy, huh?

Wow. Must have been some pretty annoying guy you found there then.

 

[PowerKamek]

Is this going to continue? I'm just curious.

 

[Ray Trace]

was wondering this too, but i'm sure edo has this in mind too. just give him the benefit of the doubt, he probably has a very tightly-packed schedule