I'll survive and win because...

Cell

Perfect
Pronouns
Kie/Mer
The above user is a bad guy, you are a good guy, the bad guy has a plan that ends in death and defeat, counter with a way you survive and beat them, no matter how silly, this topic was brought to you by JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.

I'll start things off, of course.

I throw you into lava
 
Mmmmmhhhh, you got a nice hot tub!

I will eat your house (I'm very uncreative)
 
jokes on you, i'm the witch from hansel and gretel and i boil you alive
 
Thank God he's made of paper so that didn't hurt at all.

I trap you in a room with a falling spiked ceiling.
 
Good design, Toadgamer. Really good design.

*Goes to the side of the spikes and gets on them and ride them to the top. This is from Super Paper Mario btw.*

I unleash a hungry Chain Chomp on you.
 
*finds a stick on the ground.

Hey boy! You want the stick? FETCH!

*Chain chomp runs after the stick.

I infiltrate a bomb inside of you that'll explode in seconds.
 
Nice try, I'm wearing body armour.

I put you in front of a tornado.
 
i'm made of jelly so i won't feel anything (changed up from the previous response of "I'm fireproof" because ninja'd)

i leave you in a box with a nuke that is about to blow up in three, two, one...
 
Except that I happen to own a vortex manipulator and warp away in the nick of time, leaving in mt place a bomb to destroy you.

As I said, I have a bomb to destroy you with.
 
luckily the rock is two inches big, so at worst it gives me a minor concussion


a redwood tree falls on you
 
I can use my BS-protagonist-powered watch to use the Cutter ability from Kirby to cut through the tree.

I then use the same copy ability to attack.
 
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